The Straight Poop

2011 already

2011-03-18T13:04:00.003-07:00

What the hey? Will you look at the time? When/HOW did it get to be so late? It's 2011...and MARCH, yet.

Hey there, hi there. Long time no see. How ya been doing?

I'm here to just pop in, update and then duck out once more. Time has become a precious resource and a commodity I am forever short of. You know, had I known this before having a child, I'd probably have spent my time a bit more wisely. That said...sometimes I still don't!

All is well -- we've moved back from CA and are now in a great house in North Vancouver. We're going to renovate this one just like we did the last, but it'll probably take a bit more time to get to.

Finn is almost 17 months and he is AMAZING!!! He is just really so so so awesome. I can't express how much I love him, and how lucky I feel to have him in my life.

I spend any free time I get, over at Delish Mag...so do visit me there, won't you? You can also follow more frequent updates and ramblings through @tamaramedia on the Twitter. (Oops, I almost typed the Titter. Now there's an idea for a porn-related site where you can enter messages in 140 characters or less. Quickies, if you will...)

Okay folks. When I actually have enough time to have a thought in this head of mine, I'll write a more meaningful post. For now, hi.

(And bye.)

Boudoir

2010-02-26T22:33:00.009-08:00

I am working on a new project (when am I not!) called Delish Magazine. It's going to be an e-mag, smaller to start and then growing...

Tomorrow for a feature story I am going to be photographed by a boudoir photographer, Cathy Empey!

I told Cathy I'd share images with her of what I think is sexy, in prep for this great morning session.

For me it's about lines, curves, silhouettes, profiles, and come hither expressions.

The question is, will I be able to find my own inner sex kitten?!

Whew! Is it hot in here or is it just these pictures?!

Nothing is impossible, but impossible is nothing.

2009-11-07T12:31:00.001-08:00

There are certain things in life you think you'll never experience. "It couldn't happen to me." "That could never happen." "I'll never be that unlucky." and also..."I'll never be that lucky."

I have found myself in many situations in my work as a journalist where I fall into that sort of thinking.

I once did a story on a new addition of a room in University Hospital in Edmonton for grieving parents to spend time with their stillborn baby. It was a soothing room, meant to be very quiet and still, comfortable and private. I did this story as a television reporter, and it struck me as very very sad, but I am not going to lie to you - the thought, at that time, of parents holding and photographing their dead baby, seemed almost macabre. Little did I know how, first of all, the parents absolutely need this to start their grieving and ultimately healing process. And little did I know, secondly, that I'd be in that situation one day, feeling like I couldn't breathe, I couldn't walk, and I...Just. Could. Not. Believe. This. Was. Happening.

I did a story on premature babies, also at the University of Alberta Hospital - these teeny, tiny human beings who just against all odds make it into the world and many thrive. In my story I covered the healthy ones who came home and went on to live full lives, but I also highlighted the problems that many underdeveloped early babies have from breathing problems to a lack of neurological development and more. I am a feeling human being with a sensitive side and I was teary-eyed during shooting and editing, but with a healthy attitude I moved on, thinking this could never happen to me. And when it did, I spent the first few days not in utter joy or complete terror, but operating in a sort of void of emotion. It was there, and I was there, but again, I...Just. Could. Not. Believe. This. Was. Happening.

And last night I was in an ambulance with Finn, transferring him to a hospital closer to our home. I had done a television story once on ambulance crews, and that was the only time I had ever been in an ambulance, until last night. That's not a place you want to be. But Finn is stable and more - he is doing so very well that we are thanking our lucky stars. I almost couldn't believe it was happening, last night.

But, I think I've learned my lesson.

It also makes me realize that just as I should never, ever again push aside thoughts of potential bad things with the summary dismissal of ,"Oh that would never happen to me", I also ought not to put limits on what good and wonderful things can happen in life.

I used to, and had I held on to that thought rather than being open to joy as much as sorrow, having been through these experiences, I might have missed out on what a miracle we are living right now. On how my world and every single thing in it has changed. How there's a whole lot that just doesn't matter anymore, and a whole lot that matters the most.

No more limiting self-talk.

Nothing is impossible, but impossible is nothing.

Welcoming our little man

2009-10-31T14:43:00.002-07:00

A quick quick post as I know there are at least a handful of you still visiting this space and awaiting news!

I gave birth to our three-pound, one-ounce sweetheart between 11 and 12 weeks early, last Wednesday (Oct 21). He is currently doing very well in NICU, and will stay there for between 7-10 more weeks.

He is beautiful, he is a fighter (and he even looks like one!) - and we are more in love with him than we knew was possible.

I am so thankful, even though he's there and it tests my strength, intestinal fortitude, will, resolve and every molecule of my being to not bring him home with me! It's simply too soon. He's under the 24/7 watchful eye of an incredible complement of nurses, doctors and support staff, and he is coming along as they expect him to.

It's opened our eyes to a whole new world - yes, one with a baby but also one with terms like CPAP (the breathing assistance he is on, that is one people with apnea use) - he is not intubated, he is not on a ventilator so this is very good. And words like bilirubin, jaundice and gavage - things we are dealing with.

Justine, his nurse last night said he is an eater and a grower.

He's being tube fed but it's breast milk (yay me!) and it is regularly upped, so soon they will be able to remove the tube. He also had a little taste of breast milk last night when Justine put a few drops in his mouth to soothe him.

He lost some weight after birth (normal) and isn't up to his birth weight yet but we hope soon. I am pumping like a madwoman (quite a visual) so he's got a LOT of milk in the freezer when he needs it, with 16 or so small 2 oz. bottles added every day. I am one motivated mama!

So, I won't keep you waiting any longer -- I'd like to introduce you to our little man, Finn Jacob. We love him so much.

Growing up, and out

2009-10-17T14:58:00.002-07:00

As I rolled my chair in to meet my desk, I caught a glimpse of my to-do list. It strikes me how very much it has changed over the years, and I almost wish I had a notebook full of them to see how the tasks, priorities and issues that need attention have developed as I have.

My list these days, for instance, is full of (for the most part) very grown-up things:

APEX alarm
life insurance
RRSP (look at allocations)
~~physio~~
dentist
K passport
Duane license
City of B - recycling appliances

When did it change from tasks like get extra beer for party, check out new lingerie store and vacuum potato chip crumbs from car after road trip? In other words, I guess, when exactly did I grow up?!

I don't have an answer, at all. Just posing the question.

Now, in baby news - I am 28 weeks today and ALL is going well! I am a big little mama. At 27 weeks, earlier this part week, I was measuring 31 weeks. Oh, wow. I'm more belly than Buddha at this point...but remain convinced that rubbing my tum will still bring good luck.

Happy Times

2009-06-27T10:02:00.006-07:00

I just caught myself as I was walking into the kitchen on this lovely Saturday morning, after just having read about baby's week 12 and heading to get Duane a treat to bribe him with so I could take away the plastic bottle he was chewing on, about to tell hubby how happy I am right now, how amazing things are. But then I stopped myself. I don't want to have to regret those words, or take them back should the worst happen.

Anyway, I'm happy. And I'm hopeful.

And, thanks to today's post on Tongue In Cheek, and the fact that this morning K was reading about a car that I thought we saw in a great car museum in France, I am also dreaming of France! Of Europe in general. Hubster and I had gone on lovely three-plus week trips in 2005 and 2007, and so we were due for one this summer...but then we bought the house in Burnaby and sunk A LOT of money into it in a short period of time (enough for probably six trips to Europe? Maybe four..) and so we won't be traveling any time soon.

So, let's visit in pictures, shall we?!

2005 trip

Paris

Paris from the Eiffel Tower

The Louvre, here's where they're restoring objet d'art.

At The Louvre, and MAN do my legs ever look short in this photo! The wonderful meeting of the two pyramids would play a part in my engagement ring in the years to come...

Louvre cafe.My favourite favourite favourite piece, ever. Victoire de Samothrace. I should like her to come and live with me.

Forest fires in the South of France.

On the beach near Antibes, between Nice and Cannes.

I have to head out on Saturday errands right now, but next post will be about France from 2007. Have a great day, everyone. And remember to permit yourself to be happy...I know I will.

Hugs and love to all.

Life in CA

2009-06-17T08:24:00.002-07:00

Hello hello!

Thank you to all who still steadfastly check in to this space, and I am sorry I've not updated it so there's something for you to see when you get here. There are a few reasons for my absence.

One, I think I needed time to be quiet and private. There's no secret that in this special and what has been safe (knock on wood) space, I've allowed myself to get very personal and very raw. And if you know me very well at all, you'll know that at my core, I am a pretty intensely private person. I have just become more comfortable being this way as I have gotten older. I don't really like bare-your-soul conversations, and while writing is my preferred mode of expression and can be like therapy, with the year that we have had, I wasn't ready to go there beyond what I've already shared.

That hasn't really changed, but this past year-plus has also been therapeutic in the sense that it has brought my hubby and me closer, and we've had a wonderful, healing time with our furry therapist Duane.

I've also been busy being a magazine Editor-in-Chief! I can reasonably say this is my dream job. I can't tell you how much I love what I do - it's like I finally found a position that takes all of my experience, abilities and passions into account in one title and job. There are always "buts" and the big one is, but, it's not home. LB is great and CA is great but at this time, the CA I am yearning for is CANADA.

Homesick? I guess. Not in the traditional sense though - it's more that we bought a house in Burnaby, back last winter, with a view to moving back in March. And when we decided to stay because of my great job, we knew we'd have to reno just a little it to make it more livable for eventual tenants. And when that slight reno turned into something more, and hubs and I came back a few times and spent some time (and serious effort on his part) there, we knew we missed it enough to do something about it.

So, we'll see. I am not making an big announcements here but I might be soon. Oh, well that's not really true. I CAN announce that...

...I'm pregnant again.

As I type that I have a small smile on my face. But just a small one. If you've been a reader of The Straight Poop, you'll understand how nerve-wracking and gut-wrenching this is after we lost our Henry.

I am on blood thinners, and we are proceeding with great caution, and careful optimism. I am 10 and a half weeks now, and baby is the size of a prune.

I didn't know if it was wise to share it in this public forum again but you people have been here for me in ways that I can never comprehend. Try explaining this to a non-blogger, but your support helped me through the darkest days.

I can't report on the latest developments, the ultrasounds and kicks, with breathless innocence anymore, but I'll let you know how we're all coming along.

And if you want to see what I've been up to, grab a coffee and sit down to TamaraMedia.com and of course, ModernGearTV.com. I post whenever I can...and I still need more readers!!

I hope you are all well. If you are reading this, PLEASE leave me a comment so I can get caught up with all of you.

Much love,
Tam

I AM here.

2009-04-16T18:36:00.001-07:00

I am, I promise. Life has gotten very, very busy. I'll come back here soon, I promise. I always have so much to say but I have several outlets now...not sure if anyone much comes here anymore but if you do - thank you. Let me know. And I'll let you know how it's going.

Oh dear...

2009-01-15T14:36:00.001-08:00

I hope this doesn't go to his head...

From HauteDogs.org.

And what did you do today, Mister Duane?

2009-01-13T17:42:00.001-08:00

Did you crochet a blanket? Make a pot of soup? Or TEAR APART AN ENTIRE ROLL OF PAPER TOWELS? Oh, that one then.

2008 in a wordle

2009-01-01T18:32:00.001-08:00

2008 wrap-up in photos to come...Happy New Year, everyone.

Uttered out loud in the last five minutes

2008-12-29T17:53:00.003-08:00

I am home alone. I just realized, I say a lot out loud, when it's just me and the dog. And not all of it nice. A small sampling:

"Oh for the love of God. You have to be kidding me." (When reading a work-related e-mail).

"Ooooh I have to pee!" (To no-one in particular, running to bathroom. I always forget to pee til it's almost too late, and yes, that IS a lot of information.)

"Duane! Come! Good boy! Oops, sorry for poking you in the eye." (when D was barking).

"Yeeeaaah I don't really know you. So....thanks for the poke." (When reading a notification e-mail from Facebook).

Did you know dogs can fly?!

2008-12-27T20:24:00.003-08:00

Merry Christmas from California!

2008-12-25T20:54:00.002-08:00

Guy-guy

2008-12-23T19:40:00.013-08:00

We have a ton of nicknames for the little guy - D., Mister D., Mister Duane, Pooch, Mister Pooch, Mister P., Guy-guy, Duane Bear, and more. We just can't stop. I have one more to add to the list: muse. And here he is now.

I can't stop myself!

Duane at rest

The handsome guy about to chomp on a bone
Ready to play

How he spends a rainy day

My favourite parts

Next up - our family Christmas card!

Parades and friends and my two loves

2008-12-06T17:53:00.005-08:00

There's a palpable excitement in the air. People young and old, are streaming down the street to the north, heading to watch the annual Christmas parade, that should be starting right about now. There's merrymaking and Christmas carols, a young girl squealing as she rides on her Dad's shoulders, a group of three older women in antler headbands and Santa hats, talking about the last time they smoked pot. There's a shared sense of purpose in celebration and community.

I am not a part of it; an observer only.

It just hasn't happened for me, not really. Not here. Not after everything.

Konrad is on a ski trip with the boys and it's just me and the pup so he and I have been enjoying sojourns to the dog parks - first our more local one until I saw an overly tattooed, pierced fuckwit kick his dog in the balls and then decided that was enough of that, then found a much nicer one that is a bit more of a drive but well, well worth it. No more skids with their sketchy dogs, and being on edge when one of them takes offense to Duane's scent or approach. This could happen at the nicer dog park too, I know, but I don't want D. to be around people who kick their dogs (or those dogs).

I was invited to the parade by the neighbours (the ones who saw my dirty undies) and I just didn't feel up to it. Not because they saw my undies. But because...I don't know.

It's one part not being in the Christmas mood, one part wishing Konrad was here, and then one part not really enjoying hanging out with people I don't know well.

If I lay myself down on the couch and drill down into my psyche like a shrink to figure out why this is...there are a few reasons there. I am not worried about it, because I have always been this way in some small way - independent, enjoying my alone time, not into crowds. I am also getting to be more of a homebody as I get older. But it's also, in large part, because of my physical ability. Or physical inability.

There's bound to be a lot of walking, and standing. These people don't know me and my situation - my aching ankles, my worsening hip - and even if I told them, they wouldn't get it. It takes a long, long time to get it. All of my close friends get it, and that is why they're my close friends, and that is why I adore them all. Abby, Cheryl, Tracy, Jasmine, Lana, Kathryn - friends from the past and the present - and all are just as inclined to remind me to sit down for a bit as I am to ask to have a rest. And I just haven't connected on such a level with anyone here, that I feel it necessary to help them get it, either. That's really why, while I have an easy time making acquaintances, I don't make new friends all that easily.

There will be merrymaking and Christmas decorating when Konrad gets home, oh he - the man who gets it the very most. Til then, I'll snuggle up on the couch with a movie and the pooch, and be quite content with that. Things are not as fun without my honey and not just because he knows about my ankles and hips and everything else. Community, belonging, home, is where my two guys are.

You know, there's a long, long list of things I wish I could do (one, selfishly, is to be able to wear high heels)...but I wouldn't trade any ability for the circumstances I find myself in, with the riches that I have been blessed with, for anything in the world. Parades, and probably friends, will come and go...but this is the best, for good.

Duane says happiness is...

2008-11-24T08:14:00.013-08:00

We started watching The Sound of Music last night - we'll have to finish tonight. That is a seriously long movie at three hours...but well worth it. Anyway, today's post is a Sound of Music-inspired list of Duane's Favourite Things.

The dog park
making new friends

of all sizes

sharing a refreshment with new buddies

being so tuckered out that leaving isn't so hard
but faking Dad out anyway!
ROAD TRIP!

nonchalantly kissing Mom...whatevs.

being so tie-tie.

going somewhere new that is very pretty

Contemplating life
waiting for Mom at a shop...
walking nicely with Dad
And chilling out at home

What would you do?

2008-11-17T10:14:00.002-08:00

Konrad and I hosted our neighbours for a nice Greek dinner last night. We have gotten to know them a little over the past few months, and decided it was time to get together. Konrad cleaned all afternoon and I shopped and then prepared my standard Greek spread: salad, potatoes, tzatziki, chicken and lamb souvlaki.

As the table was set, the salad was done, and tzatziki was chilling and the souvlaki was marinating, I peeled off my clothes (yoga pants, tank top and undies...trust me, these details are important), left them on the bathroom floor and jumped into the shower. After I got out I grabbed an armful of my clothing, slipped my feet into my flipflops and went to our bedroom to get dressed.

They arrived shortly after 5:30pm, we had a drink in the living room, then we had a delicious dinner. The guy got up to use the washroom, then a little later the girl did. Neither Konrad nor I used the washroom.

Do you see where this is going??

After they left at about 8:30pm, I went into the washroom to take out my contacts. And sitting there, dead in the middle of the bathroom on the floor, were my black lace panties. That I had stepped out of when I hurriedly had a shower. That I dropped when I was taking out the pile of dirty clothing I had worn for the day.

I think my heart momentarily stopped beating. Oh sure, we've managed to have a good laugh over this (Konrad more than me, perhaps), but...oy.

We cleaned the house! Every nook and cranny was tidied up! We put on a great dinner, and had lively conversation. Yet somehow, I KNOW that was what they are still talking about this morning.

OMFG.

So do I mention it next time? Or do I let them continue to think I am a bad, dirty woman who just leaves her dirty underwear on the floor of the bathroom for guests to see?

I'll say it again. OMFG.

!!!

Images of the past week...

2008-11-13T21:33:00.001-08:00

Obama cell center

Walt Disney Concert Hall, by Frank Gehry
Home of LA Phil
How amazing is this place?!

More fun with Duane

And my husband, who should be named "Dirk" or something...

And finally, my new hair colour! (copper in with blonde highlights)

Live from the Obama call center

2008-11-04T19:17:00.002-08:00

Well, this is an interesting way to spend an election evening!

I'm in Lakewood, CA at the Obama call center, making last-minute calls to folks in swing states whose polls haven't closed yet.

We're on Alaska right now and though I am not making the calls myself (am the count captain or some such thing), am getting reports that "they are hostile in Alaska!" But still, can't dampen our spirits.

Some of us are online, refreshing CNN and Huffington Post and MSN and the Daily Kos any other site we can set our eyes on, and I think there is a TV on in the kitchen. I am sure there'll be a party here after the calling is done, but I have to head home to the pooch. K had to travel to Seattle tonight, so he is missing this all! Poor sweetie. But I am too.

I'd half like to be at home, watching the excitement on TV but I am half glad I am here, sharing this experience with people who are of the same mindset as me.

All in all, in a small way I am being a part of something absolutely amazing and huge. I am glad I made the commitment to help. More as I have it.

Sit on down!

2008-10-27T16:41:00.006-07:00

This past weekend was a good one for chairs in the K. household. Through the wonder of Craigslist and freecycling and an enterprising husband, we are now five chairs richer!

Two brown Knoll Pollock chairs. Two black Knoll Pollock chairs.
One white Herman Miller Executive chair (well, a repro)...
My only fear is that Duane can't sit on this new one - there are arms and it's higher...so we put the black one that he likes to sit on, behind me...but he hasn't hopped up on it yet. I hope he does - we want him to have his own special D. chair. And I miss him on my lap! I'll sit on the black one and coax him up so we can cuddle, often.

My little worker bee

2008-10-25T18:36:00.005-07:00

Duane likes to sit on my chair whenever I am not on it. I like to think he's just trying to soak up the creative energy from it and then one day out of nowhere he'll pen (paw?) a "runaway hit"...or maybe not. Maybe it's just more comfy than the floor or his crate.

(Note to Tracy - see the box on the chair behind D.? Those are your shoes, being sent to you in Australia on Monday!!)

One thing's for sure - today I volunteered at the Obama campaign office doing data entry, and I think we could use a good hard little worker like Mister Duane. Plus then I'd get to give hugs and get kisses as I worked.

A collective, "awwwww..." ensues...

All is well - K. will be home from a few days in San Francisco in less than 30 minutes. And we are complete again.

Hot hot hot

2008-10-23T10:35:00.003-07:00

Bah! Isn't it ALMOST NOVEMBER?! Yesterday was 96 F here, or 32/33-freaking-C.

I was all nice and cooled off in Edmonton where there was actually frost on the grass at night, and then I nearly go and get heat exhaustion yesterday. Just walked the pooch and she's already a burner out there. ENOUGH!!!!! Bleh.

Anyway. I spent yesterday and the night before at the Women's Conference, a truly amazing gathering of 14,000 women who came together to listen to speakers like Dr. Mehmet Oz (I met him and had him sign two books...wow, is he awesome), Madeline Albright, Maria Shriver, Heidi Klum and more. Check out ModernGearTV.com for coverage and a story about an awesome hoodie I bought at the event - proceeds go to charity! (There's also a link to videos of easch session so you can watch too.)

Women at these conferences are funny. Some are dressed absolutely to the nines, complete with stilettos they cannot walk in (visibly, obviously, painfully). Some come dressed for comfort AND style with business suits and running shoes. (The Night At The Village was a full convention center of booths and samples, so you can imagine the hormone-fuelled craze!) And some come with comfort in mind and nothing else.

I tried to be a little bit of both, with a black lightweight wool skirt, ruffly pink/purple blouse, black cashmere cardi and metallic flats...but my feet still killed me after four hours of standing and walking, no matter how sensible my shoes were. You can put lipstick on a pig, it's still a pig...and you can lay carpet on concrete, it's still concrete.

I had some other observations I wanted to share but my mind is blank right now. I always get this way after a big event - I crash for a while. Yesterday I didn't do much except walk and talk and listen, but the night before I handed out thousands of magazines.

"Would you like a free magazine?"
"Are your bags too full for a free magazine?"
"You look stylish - here's a free copy of our magazine. This month was the style & fashion issue! I wrote the article on French Style."
"Do you like Maria Shriver? I wrote the cover story on her in this month's magazine. I'd love it if you would read it!"

I tried to vary it a little. I think I was probably asking Konrad if he wanted a magazine in my sleep.

So Mister K is away for a few days, in our favourite city in the US, if not in the world - San Francisco...it's just the pooch and me.

I took some pics for this morning's MGTV post on the hoody - here we are.

Happiness is...

2008-10-15T09:45:00.002-07:00

As I was laying awake in bed last night (I seem to have a night of insomnia followed by a night of great sleep and last night landed on insomnia), I was struck by how wonderful something was at that moment. So it'll top my list....

Happiness is:
1. My dog snoring in his crate in the kitchen, and my husband snoring beside me...listening to them both softly snuffle makes my heart swell.
2. Preparing to go to Edmonton to celebrate my Mom's 65th birthday!
3. Cooler temperatures in Long Beach...sweatshirts, sweaters and knee-high socks can come out of hiding, and my creativity is returning with the cooler temperatures too.
4. A job I really like, even though it might only last until March.
5. The fact that though the economy may rise and fall, so far we're doing okay. (knock on wood).

There's more to add to the list, but no time!

Be well.

Eyes meeting through a camera

2008-10-14T09:40:00.004-07:00

Corey over at Tongue in Cheek ends today's post with a great question, and I wanted to answer in the comments but couldn't add a photo in there, so I'm going to respond here and leave a comment. Maybe if people are interested in my answer, they'll come on over.

Have you ever felt like that? A chance meeting between two people where something goes beyond words, time or activity, and you know you have shared another space and time together?

I felt like that when I met my K. So I ended up marrying him!

I sort of have a similar photo story to Corey's, though...and funnily enough, also from France. Chamonix, to be specific. I was strolling around the town while Kalle, Lesel and Konrad were mountain biking, and I chanced upon these two very tired pooches. I thought they simply must be photographed. So I snapped the photo, not noticing anything but the dogs until I looked down at the camera and saw the woman look over at me with camera in hand, right when I clicked. I nodded towards the dogs and sheepishly smiled, and then she did too. Dog lovers recognize the need to capture such images, even by people who don't know those particular dogs.

I've never understood that better since having Duane come into our lives. Konrad and I have a new appreciation for other dogs and the humans who love them.

Here's the picture...

What I've been up to

2008-10-11T09:31:00.008-07:00

So I've established that D's been busy growing...and it can always be said that K is busy working hard. So what have I kept myself busy with? THIS! (You can click the pics to enlarge).

Never before have I ever felt like a job was such a natural fit and an enjoyable experience.

Mister Duane!

2008-10-09T16:47:00.005-07:00

There has been a dearth of Straight Poop posts of late, I know! Busy busy. Mister Duane didn't get the memo to stop growing, so he just keeps on keepin' on, and getting bigger every week. Here's some of the pooch for your viewing pleasure, taken this very minute. Not that you can see his face or anything. He doesn't like sitting for a portrait. My face grows more animated with each shot, though.

Excuse the exceedingly messy background, someone needs to hire a cleaning lady.

Nice double chin, I know. I was avoiding the jaws of death.

Joshua Tree

2008-09-27T21:14:00.006-07:00

shedding layers

2008-09-19T21:38:00.003-07:00

After we lost Henry I think I was surrounded with layers of padding, of a sort. If people wanted to talk to me, they had to go through Konrad, or the answering machine. I didn't make any friends in our new town, didn't talk to people at the grocery store, and avoided meeting people's eyes. I stayed away from bad news - no television, no online news even though CNN, CBC, BBC and the Globe and Mail are my favourite daily sites, even choosing not to visit my favourite gossip and fashion sites. And, I had the baby weight to carry around too.

Well, I've started answering the phone again. I've made new friends, and am coming out of my shell - though regular, easy, breezy, idle chit-chat doesn't come easily to me yet. I talk to my favourite grocery stock guy and to my favourite cashier, and return smiles on the street. I read sites that make me sad, like Matt's, C. Jane's, Sheye's and others, but also because they offer a message of hope.

But I still can't get off this damn weight.

I'm probably 10-12 lbs lighter than when Henry was born, maybe more...but it's still at least 10 over where I was when I got pregnant, and then I felt like I was at least 10 over where I wanted to be.

I am not buying many new clothes in case we happen to slip one past the goalie but so far he's putting up good defenses. I have a new job so I am trying to look presentable, but at the same time I don't want to buy pants a size or two bigger than how I envision myself, when I think of a Tamara who is healthy and at the right weight.

So what am I holding on to? I suppose it's symbolic. (You might be going - DUH! right now...)

I loved being pregnant. Can I say, GOD I loved it. I looked good! I felt good! And not just in that, my boobs are huge and my belly is hard and round and I love it way, but also the fact that I experienced a wonderful break from some of my Arthritis pain...

But now I'm not pregnant anymore. I'm not in a flare with the RA but I am back to daily pain and stiffness, and can't lift weights. I've been eating regular, small meals, cutting back on alcohol, don't have too much sugar, rarely bake for us and don't eat much of it when I do, have been walking Duane once or twice a day, working out with light weights and doing abs, even though just for a few days now...but the scale won't budge.

I am ready for it to go, I really am. I can't hang on to it in the hopes that I'll get pregnant again because that might take some time. So, how can I tell my body that it's time to let go? That I don't need that padding, that protective layer anymore...I think I have been, I really do. I just need it to start listening.

Adventures in Doggy Daycare

2008-09-16T22:48:00.004-07:00

Konrad and I are traveling to Edmonton for my Mom's 65th birthday in mid-October. We were going to try to get Duane in to stay with the girl who comes to spend some time with him, working on walking and manners (not our trainer but sort of a trainer's assistant). She boards dogs at her home (she lives with her mom), and would normally welcome him but they're going to be doing some construction at that time, so she said she could either stay in our home or suggested some local kennels/boarding facilities.

I didn't necessarily mind her staying here, but she'd have to stick D. in the crate when she was at work at the SPCA and as I rarely crate him for more than 4 hours, and only a few days a week, I didn't like that very much.
I mean, look at this face! He doesn't deserve to be shut away all day long when instead he could just sit out and look adorable.

So we decided to try out daycare, leading into boarding him while we're away...and then there's also the opportunity to try out the facility when we're away in Joshua Tree this weekend. So to work backwards we decided we'd better get the interview over with and then get him in for a daycare session, to see how he does.

The interview was nerve-wracking...like an interview for entrance into an Ivy League school. Well no, it wasn't like that but it felt like it to us. We were incredibly nervous and then mortified when she brought Duane back and said he had bitten one of her staffers...Duane's bite is meant in play, we're like, 99% sure of this, but a bite is a bite.

The good news is they accepted him, and the girl said she thought they might even be able to help with the bite.
We decided to do the daycare test today, and he was very whiny this morning, like he knew something was up. We dropped him off this morning and had to tear ourselves away...and, being the concerned owners we are, we also phoned about an hour and a half later to check up on him.

Turns out our mister did quite well. They said he played well with others and had a good old time - our only concern was that when we looked in on him, he wasn't playing with the other dogs...
But he was just napping, and he is such a tired pooch now! He came home and crashed but he was so stinky that we washed him, and he's pretty much been snoring ever since. Definitely not used to that kind of excitement.

We're still nervous to leave him for a weekend...

The new job is going well but it's taking a bit more time than I thought it would for a part-time job...I figured that would happen though, when I am getting used to it and figuring out who is who, and gauging the writing ability of each of the writers. Some have to go, some have to improve, and a few are quite good. So far I am really enjoying myself.

Some things are falling through the cracks, like ModernGear TV but it's only temporary.

I don't have much energy left in my body tonight to have made this post anything much more than an information update, but I'll let more pictures entertain you in the absence of my creativity...this is how I found my so-called "editorial assistant" the other day, when we were working to deadline. Works his paws to the bone, this one. Wonder if I can get him a credit on the masthead?

A message I don't want my friends to read

2008-09-08T08:00:00.009-07:00

I've been incapable, it seems, of writing a post that is really emotionally honest since way back when, maybe March 30? I seem to come here only when I am happy, and stay away when I am feeling shitty. I don't want people to worry about me, I don't want them calling to talk after they've read a post where I'm feeling something other than perfectly happy, because me writing is all the therapy I need, and I don't generally like to talk about it when I am feeling that way.

Which is less and less of the time, anyway. But for some reason I've seemed to turn this space into the happy-happy place, where my biggest concern is how to get Duane to stop nipping. I haven't been consciously re-directing your (or my own) attention past what happened at Easter, or at least I don't think so. But with time and clarity I am wondering who I am trying to convince that we're moving on happily - you or me. I mean, for about 95% of the most part, we are. Then from time to time, we're sad. All normal and nothing to feel bad about...except, for me, for one thing. My girlfriends who had babies.

I'm sorry, I want to say to them. I haven't been a good friend. I've made it seem like I don't care about you or your bundles of joy, that I am jealous of your good fortune, that I'd rather be quiet than talk to you, rather be alone than be with you.

Since Henry died I just can't. Not yet.

What would we talk about? The first six months of newborn life that you've been experiencing, when I can only keep up my end of the conversation by talking about our dog, who you probably think to yourself we got as a replacement for our lost son, anyway...?

Would we talk about our life here that seems so idyllic in Calee-fornia with its blue skies and palm trees while the chill and rains have started back home...but we're away from everyone, in a place where we have no friends.

Would we talk about what happened to us, which seems to be all I can think about these days - why oh why when things are going good do I seem to have flashbacks and fears return? And no, I don't need to talk about it, I'm just saying.

Would we talk about your miscarriages and those of women you've known, and how you and they went on afterwards to have perfectly great pregnancies and perfectly healthy babies, during which I'd think, listen, YOU didn't push out a fully-formed, perfect looking but dead baby. You weren't told there's a 50/50 chance the next one would end exactly the same, so you'd better go against your very nature and not form an attachment if and when you get pregnant again. And you'd better wrap everything in your home in bubble wrap so you don't bump anything and bleed out from a bruise because you'll be injecting blood thinners twice a day if and when you get pregnant again.

I know it seems like I don't care about those friends who carried on to have their babies, live, and are now raising them and doing what we were supposed to be doing. But I don't fucking want to talk to them, and I don't know exactly why. It's like when their life kept on that happy path and ours veered off and crashed over the side, I lost them. Now I am supposed to, some six months later, get back on that road to them, but I just can't.

I swear I love them. I swear I am not jealous, in the strictest sense of the word. I swear I don't hate them for their blessings. I am Just. Not. Ready.

(None of them read this, by the way.)

I am not in a headspace where I am obsessive over babies, I wouldn't offer a sacrifice to all the gods that we'll be successful at our next attempt...our life is going on and we hope it will, when we are ready, go on with another life that we can make. This experience has not turned us off from being parents even though we're definitely scared about threats to the health of a future little one, and me, through the process.

I do occupy myself with trying to find my writing ability again, keeping busy, with staying hopeful and happy, and thankful for what remains. And then the other half of me seeks out a glass of wine, quiet companionship, a warm dog.

Fuck. Fuck sakes.

I am not over it. I seem to be okay with admitting that to everyone but those once dear friends whose only sin was having a wonderful experience and a healthy child. I swear I am not punishing them for that. Sometime soon I'll tell them so.

Tag, I'm It!

2008-08-27T17:19:00.005-07:00

Hey folks...I hope there are still people who come to the Straight Poop. I have been busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest!!

So I got a job...it's not like I don't have anything to do but it was an offer I couldn't refuse - working with a great bunch who really need me and appreciate my efforts...I get to write, manage writers, and copy edit, and I get a cool title too - I am Managing Editor of a magazine! It remains to be seen if this position can be continued when we move back to Vancouver, but once I have had the next few months to make myself indispensable, I think that maybe it can work...

Anyway, I have some Straight Poop housekeeping to catch up on. I've been tagged...Melinda got me! And then Twinkie seconded the motion! So for you two, and anyone else who is interested, here are 7 interesting and random facts about me. I've been thinking about these for a while.

1. I really don't like hot weather. I mean, I'd rather be cold than hot, and am so looking forward to Vancouver's wet and dreary grayness, YES, over Long Beach's sun and blue skies. A lot of people think this is crazy. I am okay with that!
2. My baby fingers' nails are teeny tiny, like a baby's. So on me, they're aptly named.
3. My ears are different - I mean one from the other. The shape.

Hmmm. They don't look THAT different. Well, let's go with - my ears are hard! Like hard plastic. K's are very soft and pliable, so of course I think he's weird, and he thinks I'm weird.
4. I am not prone to being emotional, but the Democratic convention speeches made me weepy! And surprise surprise, the Republican drivel is making me angry. I probably shouldn't get into politics here in this space but I can't help myself. I haven't ever been so interested and invested in an election, and I can't even vote here.
5. I am really good at accents. I had a great dialect coach in university drama, and he taught me a thing or two about listening and mimicking. Since then I've been practicing any number of ethnicities, and have a few down pat.
6. I really think I was a chic French woman in a previous life.
7. I am not a half-bad singer but I am too shy to sing in front of people. Konrad has heard me once in a while and asks me to sing.

Now I am supposed to tag 7 people I want to learn more about - I wonder if the rules are that I can't tag the ones who tagged me? It didn't say anything about that so...I am tagging:
Melinda
Twinkie
Tanya
Kelly
Kathryn
Jasmine
Bodalorna

(I'll be posting comments on your blogs to let you know...soon!) We're running out the door to a BBQ...Happy Labour Day!

More of the same

2008-08-18T10:41:00.009-07:00

This morning was cool - a nice respite from the stifling hot weather that I'm just not able to get used to...in fact, it's probably just "nice" to most people and "stifling hot" to me...I think I am just a cool weather girl.

We're pretty much doing more of the same - bike riding

enjoying Long Beach, including this weekend's 11-mile bike ride and an impromptu trip aboard the Queen Mary...this was me responding to Konrad's request to "throw your head back"...I can't exactly do that fluidly, rather, the old neck is a bit stiff so this is the result! Not soooo sexy...
Duane just keeps growing and working his way into our hearts...
And mastering the "woe is me" look when he isn't allowed to go outside when he's in a barking mood!
I have some interesting work options coming up, including a potential position at a local magazine. The editor-in-chief is calling me today...what is happening in your world?

What we've been up to

2008-08-10T13:35:00.015-07:00

I've been baking and biking and blogging - favourite recipe for Banana Chocolate Chip Muffins is on Moderngear, check it.

We've been catching (and releasing) bugs. At least one night...came home from a walk with pooch to this not-so-little fella and K. caught him while I squealed but made sure to take a picture. Then the next night I walked in to the kitchen and spotted him again, scurrying under the wine fridge. We don't mind co-existing peacefully...just as long as he doesn't drink any of our wine!!
Yesterday we rented a kayak and went for a paddle through the canals of Naples Island. (Well, KONRAD went for a paddle - I came along!!)

LOVE water and waves...I want to paint this some day.

Interesting houses.

It's difficult to do the self-portrait without a double chin!

Duane has had an exciting week - losing teeth and getting sick - complete with, as K. so vividly puts it, "hydrant ass" and vomiting. Quick trip to the vet yesterday for an injection of fluids and some tests and $350 later we were home with pills and bland food. Today he seems able to keep down his food. Whew. It's a relief...but he was such a sucky-poo when he was sick that we kind of enjoyed that whole not biting thing. Oh well. Glad he's feeling better.

So tie-tie from a long day...

Finally caught an image of D's favourite pose when sleeping (his paws are white from a denta-bone!)

I was laughing so hard I could barely hold the camera still, so put it on the floor...
I love it when he forgets his tongue is out!

Oops, now he remembered...

Excellent shot mid-bark, asking K. to play with him
Come on!! Play with me!

Please play with me?

Our favourite spot to hang out together...

Konrad's favourite part of pooch - his meaty back thighs...

Feeling better now

The weather is wonderful but I don't feel much like sitting in the sun...Konrad is in our Hillbilly Hot Tub and I am working on the next video story - he's going to shoot my stand-up soon.

Fish and veggies for dinner, watch some Olympics and then a new week begins. I do love these weekends with my guys...

Be careful out there

2008-08-02T19:25:00.005-07:00

I was utterly shocked when I read yesterday about the poor, poor young man killed in such an horrific manner on the Greyhound bus that left Edmonton bound for Winnipeg. I am not going to link to any news stories, and I don't want to describe it, but you've probably already heard about it because it's making headlines around the world.

I couldn't stop thinking about it as I tried to sleep last night. Tried to wish and will for him to have felt no pain, for him to be in a better place, for his family to have one minute of peace at one point some time in the years that come.

I don't know what to say - didn't come here with a thought in mind to share other than, good God. What is the world coming to?

When I was a 911 operator (I haven't written about that much here), I heard a lot of bad stuff that was happening while I was listening. I knew the awful and evil things that people were capable of...that kept me up at night too.

I just never, ever considered that such a thing could or would ever happen, and certainly in our country. Yes, I was a 911 operator who heard people beaten, stabbed, and sexually assaulted while I tried to get help to them. Those crimes happened in my home town, in my country.

But this awful incident...it seems like such a tragedy could never happen in Canada.

How naive of me to think so. Evil doesn't know borders, or boundaries, or national pride.

So much will come out in the weeks, months and years to come but there will likely never be an answer to the question we're all asking..."Why?"...one that I think is on the minds of a whole nation, and around the world to anyone who has heard this story.

How awful. How sad. How devastating for the family and friends that are left behind. And how scary for all of us to imagine that people are actually capable of this...and that they walk among us.

It's been hard lately - lately meaning since we lost Henry. Happy times are that much happier but sad times make me feel so very vulnerable. Now that I know that the rug being pulled out from under actually feels like, I feel less steady walking on it. In the past few months I've come across a woman whose child died, a man whose wife died the day after giving birth to their daughter, and I've been in an earthquake (which seemed like an interesting experience at the time but makes me scared if I think of it now).

I'm struck with the frailty of life. And the preciousness of it.

Please, please be careful.

How POST is post-traumatic stress disorder?

2008-07-30T15:01:00.002-07:00

It's 3pm as I write this, the day after the earthquake, and either there have been strong aftershocks that I have been feeling (though I didn't feel any of the 25+ yesterday), or I am just being a scaredy-pants every time a large truck drives by. I tend to think it's the latter.

I swear, I do feel this house shaking...either still - from yesterday's experience, or again.

As time passes I realize how scary that actually was. At the time I was in the shaking house my emotions ran more to awe than fear, but with time I've come to the fear side...

Mother Nature is such a powerful thing. I am scared that it's going to happen again, but am focusing on trying to keep calm and informed.

EARTHQUAKE!!

2008-07-29T12:03:00.001-07:00

Holy cow. I have never been through an earthquake, til about 15 minutes ago...that was freaky! The most interesting, and scary, thing I have ever been through!

It was a 5.8, epicenter was around Chino Hills - 29 miles east of Los Angeles. There are reports of people even feeling swaying in Las Vegas!

It felt like my house was on a ride at a carnival, shaking left then right, back and forth...and it seemed to gain strength as it went on.

At first I thought it was just a big car driving down the back alley, because that can shake the house...but then it just kept going...and I heard the house shake, shake, shake...whew!

I have the total shakes now, myself.

more pooch

2008-07-23T07:13:00.006-07:00

Not much "new" happening these days but our happy routine of wake, work, dinner, dog beach.

Oh yeah, and a lot of napping, too. D is looking rather patchy these days and I'm wondering if I should take him to the vet? Can you see some of the spots where his hair is missing?

Just look at those jowls and wrinkles...
D loves his toys...here he is with three. He can' decide which is his favourite, so he hoards them all...

Yesterday I was doing a story on a cupcake protector, see it here, and I bought him some "pupcakes", which he absolutely loved. I loved mine too!

the dog days

2008-07-18T14:36:00.019-07:00

Ah, the leisurely life of a pooch. Got some great pics of our D. yesterday...he'll now share with you his perfect day.

Have a cat, errr...dog nap while Mom is working.

Steal her chair when she gets up for a drink of water so she can't work anymore.

Chill out in my crate for a while. Do the cool kids still call it their "crib"?

Sweet talk my bed a bit before a bunch it up and hump the s**t out of it.
"My darling I...can't get enough of you baby..."

Look up sweetly at my Mom or Dad in the hopes of getting to go to the dog beach.

"Who me? You want to take little old me to the dog beach?" (it works every time)

I like to sit very quietly and watch the cars, and bark at the cyclists.
Luckily there's a topper on Dad's truck so I am protected from the elements.

Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

My favourite place - Huntington Dog Beach!

Looking cool for the ladies...

I'm not so smooth yet...but I don't have much time for such things anyway.

I have the all-important YELLOW BALL to keep me busy!

throw it again, throw it again, throw it again

the day's almost over

See the kids at surf camp? Tenting on the beach - so cool. Wish I could stay...

But instead I went home and crashed. Tomorrow, we'll do it all over again.

someone's getting a pink slip

2008-07-17T15:46:00.003-07:00

So I hired this new assistant and he totally sleeps on the job.

I'm going to be all, "Um yeeeah. I'm going to need you to go ahead and come in on the weekend..."

wordle word cloud

2008-07-15T08:59:00.003-07:00

I just found a cool little tool that takes your blog/site and turns it into a word cloud...here's StraightPoop for your viewing pleasure:

Fun little tool! Check it out at wordle.net.

coffee and a keyboard do n om

2008-07-14T10:31:00.004-07:00

I amrying

oops

his ornin duane j umped up o
n desk
and dped coffee on keyboard. oh good.

can't se soe keys, others do wrong thing. spaces, rerns, shoot!

Heading o to get new one, think that's a good idea. althoh yo can probably nderstand every single thing I a yping anyway!

He also licked p a lot of the dripping coffee fro y chair and a glad to say it didn't see to affect hi as he's crashed now. as yo can see, the letter that coes after "l" in the alphabet isn't working. so I can't type things like ostly, other, ayfair, etc.
and my name - oh look it wuorked! my name isamara - shoo now he firs leer of y nae won' work. I will e ack.

POST SCRIPT:

Thanks to Duane I am now the owner of a shiny new keyboard - I am actually saying thanks to Duane though as it's a vast improvement over the old one. That may have been the most entertaining blog post I've done in a while, though!

Help a reporter out - see your name in print!

2008-07-12T13:57:00.003-07:00

I have been on a cool mailing list since its inception and have enjoyed it both for ModernGear TV as well as for potential media opportunities for my publicity clients. I wanted to share it with you, though, because really anyone can use and enjoy it. Here's the creative blurb the list owner says people can use to tell their friends about it:

"As you know, reporters are constantly looking for sources. They’re always writing stories, reporting on something, and always need experts in the field of whatever they’re reporting.

Problem is, they don’t often know how to find them.

On the flip side, if you’re an expert at something (And come on, everyone’s an expert at SOMETHING,) how do you let the media know you’re available to talk and be quoted when they’re writing a story?

Well, I joined a free mailing list that solves both problems.

Basically, reporters send the list owner queries about what they’re working on. (”I’m writing a story on farming, and I need someone in NYC who’s grown a windowsill garden,” or “I’m doing a story on General Electric, and need a financial analyst who covers them.”)

Peter (a rather high-energy, but seemingly decent guy (www.shankman.com) puts these all queries together, and emails them out, three times a day. There are usually anywhere between 10 and 25 queries per email, organized so you can read all of them in about five seconds. If any work for you, simply scroll down, and email the reporter with your details and why you’re an expert. If they don’t, simply delete them.

It’s that incredibly simple. Like most brilliant things are.

Oh yeah - it’s all free. The list has over 12,000 members that have joined since it launched three months ago, why not be one of them! Members have been quoted in everything from the NY Times to CNN to the Washington Post to the NY Daily News to Fox News to TV to radio to bloggers around the world.

If you’re a journalist and want to submit a query: Submit it here: www.helpareporter.com/press"

Life in Long Beach

2008-07-10T00:28:00.007-07:00

A photo essay for you, courtesy of Brenda who visited last week!

View out our front door

Our front "yard"

Fresh flowers, featuring my favourite - the Peony

Mister Duane, aka fleabag, scratching as usual (he doesn't have fleas)

Tam and Brenda

Detail of tile on front stairs

wind surfers on Long Beach

One of our favourite paintings in our dining room - I'll show you soon why our new dining chairs are so perfect...

Prepping the chicken for the dinner with friend and B's former colleague Hector
Beer chickens, oh yeah baby
The cook marvels

Tam, B and Hector

An after-dinner smoke...the chef worked very, very hard in a thankless job to entertain so he deserved it!

This was the sight beyond the baby gate - making me feel guilty while I ate!

near Laguna Beach

Helmet on, safety first - that's the way I roll. And by the way, we were on a bike ride - I don't stroll the neighbourhood this way!!

Just before the Gondola Getaway

Almost like Venice...so fun

More to come...

Parental Units

2008-07-08T12:06:00.002-07:00

Yiippee! My parents are here! The best guests a girl could want.

Mom and I are going to get a pedi, then we're all lunching, then to Target. I mean, is there possibly a better schedule for FUN?!

Konrad is taking the rest of the week off starting tomorrow, so we're off to the Getty Villa, to the Bowers Museum to see the Terracotta Warriors, out to dinner, on and one...ya might not see much of me round these parts, but maybe some fresh pics to introduce you to ma familia.

Be well, all!

Happy 4th!

2008-07-06T12:29:00.002-07:00

I'm a few days late (and a few dollars short, but whatever) on that one but this week I experienced my first 4th of July!

Loads of flags hanging from flag poles on homes and in cars, and red, white and blue bikinis in this beach town, and people wishing us a "Happy 4th!" as they passed us on the street. We don't have that shared sense of celebration with strangers on Canada Day that I can remember...

Brenda had been visiting from Montreal for the week and my parents arrive tomorrow! Looking forward to seeing them...

Duane continues to grow, and he is really getting fun. But we really need to start that hardcore training! Pics to come this week. What's happening with all y'all??

Random thoughts

2008-06-27T21:04:00.005-07:00

Today I took a trip to Target to get some cleaning supplies and such things, and when I was unloading the contents of my shopping cart into the car, a woman sat waiting for me in her idling honking-large SUV. There were empty parking spots as close as 10 cars away but no, she sat her her lazy ass down and waited for me. WTF, woman? Could that be why so many of us end up like this?

REUTERS/Toby Melville

I am so proud of the Edmonton Valley Zoo (where I worked as a clown during one summer, to pay for university the next year), for bringing these little sweethearts into the world:

Tai and Pip, twin red pandas, sleep in the hands of Sandy Helliker, a animal health technologist at the Edmonton Valley Zoo in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, Thursday, June 19, 2008. The pandas were born May 26 and are receiving round the clock care from Helliker who hand feeds them with baby bottles. They were taken from their mother after she showed aggression towards one of the babies. Only four babies were born in North America last year, two at the Edmonton Zoo, one in Calgary and one in Winnipeg. There are between 2,000 and 5,000 red pandas in the wild. They are native to the Himalayas in India and Nepal and southern China. (AP Photo/The Canadian Press,Jason Scott)

And finally, all I can say is - only in Russia, folks.

In this Wednesday, June 18, 2008 hand out photo, nurses are seen, posing near a monument to enemas at Mashuk Akva-Term Sanatorium in the town of Zheleznovodsk, Russian Caucasus Mountains region. Alexander Kharchenko, director of the Russian spa says the world's first monument to enema treatments has been unveiled at the spa in the southern city of Zheleznovodsk. The bronze syringe bulb, weighs 800 pounds and is held by three angels.
(AP Photo/Mashuk Akva-Term Sanatorium, HO)

And one more thing: YAY! Konrad is flying home to me right this minute. He lands at 7am, and I CANNOT wait!! Woot.

crazy neighbours, the police and Duane gets out

2008-06-26T14:20:00.003-07:00

We're pretty happy here in LBC - we love the house and the neighbourhood is friendly and relatively safe - probably the safest in all of Long Beach. But I'll tell you want I don't like - watering the plants and talking to the pooch at 7pm last night and hearing the doorbell ring, to open it up and see a policewoman standing there.

She says, "Hi, I got a report of some power tools being used, are you doing any construction?" I sighed and said, "I wish I could work a power tool." Then I went on to explain to her that if the call came from the house to our left, then it should be taken as a nuisance call.

The night we moved in six months ago, the owner's husband did a very quick and cursory walk-through of the premises with me as Konrad and the movers were looking for parking for the truck, ending with a quick, "And oh, the neighbour lady is crazy and sends postcards here."

Within a few weeks we received our first one - a rambling postcard written in a shaky hand, barely legible, but I definitely could make out something about all of the noise we were making in our upstairs office.

The postcards and letters continued to come, and when I was getting pretty big with the baby, I started to get a little worried about them. I had never met this woman but Konrad had, as he had gone over and asked her note to send any more notes and as I was home alone all day, I would picture her sitting and plotting our demise. I started to fear going out of the house, as I would sometimes see her sitting on her front step, watching our door.

After a particularly weird letter with what seemed to me like an escalating note of urgency and an underlying threat, AND a visit from a representative of the City, saying they had received a report of an after-hours business being run on the premises, I decided one day to phone the police and see if there was anything they could do. They sent over a mental health team but nothing much came of it. We continued to get notes from time to time, with stuff like this:

"Kamara: You seemed kind and I'm returning a favor - call for information, as to rules and conditions of noise nite and day. It seems you are not filled in on them, you don't want any trouble - why let it happen - you don't want to be left holding the bag."
"I don't want to retaliate"
"It's hard to believe that if someone knows they are really disturbing their neighbors that they would continue noise."
"Please try, subterfuge doesn't work"
"Decent people don't act this way - why didn't they tell you? Are you family?"

And then yesterday - when I was tending our tomatoes and cucumbers, radishes and rosemary - to greet the police officer at the door was just about too much. She was a very lovely policewoman, very understanding and nice, but I am losing hope as to what we can do to get this to end. I actually decided to phone the mental health team back this morning (they're called MET), and two other guys came out - one cop and one social worker.

They came over after speaking to her and said "Look, she's 90, there's not much we can do." She's not crazy enough to be institutionalized, but she is a nuisance. The next step would be to take out a restraining order. Sheesh - how ridiculous would I look, taking a 90-year-old woman with a walker to court?

I realized we hadn't ever written her a cease-and-desist type of letter and the police agree we ought to, so here's what I put together:

"June 26, 2008

Dear Ms. L.,

Yesterday a police officer came to our home, to investigate a complaint about power tools running and construction being done. Other than our coffee grinder, we do not have any tools that make any measurable amount of noise, and certainly none that run outside.

We must ask you, please stop leaving notes on our steps, and making false claims to the City and the police. We consider your behavior to have escalated from being a nuisance to now becoming harassment.

We have gotten your postcards and notes with veiled threats, accusing us of being the source of this unknown noise you claim to hear, but we can assure you, as we have done in the past, that we have nothing but quiet in our home. As a matter of fact, your television is on loud enough for us to hear from our home the entire day.

If you experience the noise in the middle of the night and are so sure it is coming from our home, we welcome you to phone the police right then and send them over to visit us. No matter what the time of night or day, we will let them into our home to investigate and perhaps once and for all this can be settled.

Your regular intrusions and baseless accusations are making us feel uncomfortable and unsafe in our own home, and are not welcome. We will not be giving you our phone number as you have repeatedly requested, and we will be phoning the police if we get another nuisance note from you.

The police have advised us that the next step available to us is to obtain a restraining order against you. We do not want to be forced to take this action, so please respect our privacy at this time, and do not contact us again.

Tamara and Konrad"

I hope it works. I doubt it will.

Now! Duane got out! On Thursdays they clean the left side of the street so we all move our cars to the right and on Friday they clean the right so we move to the left. I went out to move the car this morning and I clearly did not latch the gate from the kitchen into the living room properly, and because I was just by the house, I didn't close the front door..

I moved the car, got out, walked toward the house, and there he was, sitting on the steps. FUCK! My heart stopped beating, I think! Can you believe that for a moment, my brain couldn't register how he must have gotten out so I actually thought there might have been another dog that looked just like him, sitting on our steps?! Hee heeee! Duh.

He looked a tiny bit scared and started to wag his tail when I came up to him. I was so relieved that he actually stayed on the front step until I got to him and then when I grabbed a hold of his collar he started fighting so he could stay out, but he was pretty easy to get back in. Then I bribed him into the kitchen with peanut butter!

Yeesh, that was scary. But people were walking by and cars driving by, and he didn't once move from that step. A good experiment.

And they called it puppy love

2008-06-24T21:26:00.003-07:00

I think Duane loooooves our new dog walker/sitter C. She's an SPCA volunteer who was highly recommended by our trainer and I think I love her too. At 17, she has a remarkable understanding and insight into dog behavior, and a nice, calm, sweet demeanor. I hope she makes a real career of this, because her talent with dogs could definitely help families out. I decided to have her come over today and tomorrow so that I could go and explore some places I've wanted to since we moved but haven't yet...giving me a break from the pup, and him a break from me!

So, I left Duane staring up at C., as I like to say, "with love in his eyes and shit in his pants", and set off to explore Malibu and Santa Monica, and I had a blast! Oh, I missed him a load and thought about his sweet puppy face more than I ought to, and I missed K. and thought about his sweet face all the time too, but getting out beyond my comfortable small radius of doctor's office, grocery store, and now going past LAX on the freeway, is kind of liberating. And it might be quite Mary Tyler Moore-ish of me to say, if I can make it here, I can make it anywhere.

I didn't even do much, you know? Just getting out there, poking around a store I've always wanted to go to (Blue Planet), scouting for story ideas for MGTV, driving down a coastal highway, all of it, was enough to put a smile on my face all day long. Or at least, until I took a wrong turn and ended up on the sloooowwww-moving 405 again, complete with low blood sugar. All's well now, I've eaten and regulated such things.

Anyway, I came home to a calm puppy who was hanging off C.'s every command, and playing with a few new tools and toys that she had brought for him. She's coming again tomorrow, when I leave Long Beach for Laguna Beach, and all the beaches in between.

This sort of discovery-making for me also keeps my mind off of missing K. all the time, but it's never really gone...Tomorrow is Wednesday, thank goodness, and he'll be home soon.

Luci-fur

2008-06-23T11:00:00.004-07:00

Don't let that sweet face fool you - our Duane can be a real devil. Oh, he's all sweetness and light at the moment, nosing around in the dish of ice I gave him as he's all, "Oy, this heat!" but this boy has some baaaad stuff in him. I am sure all dogs do, and I am sure that rather than being really bad, he's actually just a puppy, but let's just say I am still working on establishing myself as the Alpha dog.

So what's the problem? Well, there's the chewing. We (and the vet and trainer) think it's just part of puppiness and teething, but he's already lost bed privileges by, well, eating it. And he cannibalized his favourite chew toy, a stuffed orange dachshund with a squeaker inside. And now he's almost finished with the border on the towel we give him to sleep on inside his crate. He doesn't actually eat them, just chews and chews and spits little bits out that I clean up all day long. The stuffing could get swallowed, though, and that's just not good.

Then there are the accidents - always on the same spot now, right around the large grated vent in the hallway - once he must have squatted right over top of it and gone, as I walked around the corner and saw the big wet spot immediately, so the pee-stained air filter had to be changed right then and there.

What I don't get is who wants to lay where they pee? Apparently our dog. Sometimes he's give to the effort of standing with his front paws up on the first step here, and peed on the floor under it. What is UP with that?

There has been biting - getting better day by day but I can't escape the feeling that it's just too hot to bother and that when this heat spell moves on, so will his bite inhibition. My legs are covered in bruises from his tiny, sharp teeth. Yes, I do bruise easily but it's not pretty, folks.

But the walks yesterday, and this morning? That's when I realize that our puppy has a wee bit o' the devil in him.

He pulls like he's a sled dog, jumps like a fish on a line and gnaws on the leash. This morning I had to turn around after two blocks because he's pulling so hard on my wrist. I try to do the things the walking trainer says but this morning, it just wasn't working.

Duane's definitely more dog than I can handle, in the sense that he needs more exercise than I can give...particularly in the morning when I am still so stiff from a night of rest. And when Konrad isn't here to take him for his morning walk, it almost can't help but end with one of us unhappy.

So, tomorrow my walker/dogsitter comes to spend time with him, and we're also going to be getting him used to either the Gentle Leader head collar
or the Easy Walk harness
I think I'll go with the harness first and see how he takes to it.

He's wonderful right now, sleeping beside me and tooting once in a while. Man! Dogs are stinky farters. I plan to pop out later but have a Kong ready with peanut butter and kibble, to keep him busy in his crate. Then we'll try the walk again tonight. We'll calm the devil yet...

Sunday Sunday

2008-06-22T14:01:00.016-07:00

She's a hot one, folks. I am not used to this - I suppose I should be by now as it's been six months in SoCal but I'm just not cut from the cloth that enjoys heat like this. What cloth would that be, anyway? Probably something linen-y.

Yeah, I'm not linen. Maybe since I'm a Canadian, I'm more of a polar fleece? Naw...anyway, let's move from fabric, shall we?

When we first moved in to our home here we bought a few new things and always said we needed some dining chairs and a coffee table to replace what we've been using as "temporary" for the past few years, so we ordered those yesterday. Can't say what the chairs are until we know for sure they work...I LOVE them and can't believe Konrad agreed to them, now we just have to make sure they are tall enough.

I haven't updated this space for a while but we've been up to some fun things. Last weekend's surprise for my sister's 40th birthday party went off wonderfully. She was well and truly surprised and I took delight in being able to pull it off. I got to meet her wonderful new group of friends and am so glad she's got them in her life. She's always been more of a people person in the sense that she connects quickly and strongly and plays well with others. I don't as much, I think. Glad to do so online rather than in person except with a select few, at least these days.

The weekend before I went to B.C., I figured we should put the pup into his crate for a few hours and take some "us" time, doing what we love - checking out a place we haven't been to before and looking at architecture. Decided on the Gehry house in Venice Beach and so we went.

It's no Guggenheim Museum Bilbao
but I'd like to talk to him, nonetheless, about his inspiration.

And here I'll answer pre-emptively, to my Mom, "I'm posing"...because when I put my leg up in a picture like this, she inevitably asks, "Why is your leg up like that?"

In addition to studying architecture, we've also pickled peppers. Or, Konrad did...with Duane assisting and me capturing it all.

Farmer K and his bounty (all good canners pickle their peppers in their PJs)

What beauties, grown by those two hands

blanching

yummy goodness like garlic and bay leaves, etc. awaits its peppers

peppers in, and briny liquid follows
the assistant takes a rest

We are also trying to set up the pooch's potty area a little bit better, experimenting with a few things like sand we're "borrowing" from the beach, to put on the spot we want him to always use, in the concrete back yard.

I couldn't help but feel guilty when we took a bucket of sand, remembering what my Dad said when we'd ask if we could have a rock or a flower when we were camping. "If everyone took one, there'd be none left..."

The mister says thanks, though. He's growing, all the time. Every second of every day. He doesn't take nights off - I wake up, let him out of his crate and what do you know - he's bigger. And cuter, if that is possible.

Duane, mid-bark

We took off his collar for a while because it was rubbing his neck bare. Decided to put it back on though. Duane doesn't mind the bare patch, says, "Grass doesn't grow on a playground, baby..."

Big D and I are also on our own for another week as K. has gone to Australia. I took the photo below when he left for work one day, and I feel the exact same way..."When, oh when are you coming home? Pretty please make it soon. You just pulled away and I miss you already."

And this is how we'll both be when he's back home.

SURPRISE!

2008-06-14T09:41:00.003-07:00

I've been planning something covertly, on the down low, with my husband and brother-in-law and it worked PERFECTLY! How often does a surprise get leaked, or guessed, or otherwise ruined...NOT THIS TIME, BABY!

It went off like clockwork. My sister Tanya turned 40 yesterday, and I HAD to be there.

So I was.

I flew in to Seattle and then came up to Canada the next afternoon, walked into the restaurant and spotted their table. I had a waiter bring over a glass of wine, saying it was from "the woman at the bar"...she turned, scanned, and then when her eyes spotted me, shrieked! "WHAAAA!!" or "WHOOOO!" I'm not sure which.

Then we ran, seemingly in slow mo, and met in the middle. It was wonderful! This is the woman who "hates surprises". HAHA!! GOTCHA!!

I am in Abbotsford, BC til early early tomorrow morning, then I have to get back to the boys at home. I miss my two furry creatures! But I am glad I am here.

My wonderful, beautiful 40 YEAR OLD sister. She keeps telling me that, so I think it's okay that I tell the world...

June 8

2008-06-08T11:43:00.004-07:00

This day has loomed large for me. That's for sure normal - it's the due date of Henry, though he would have been with us already by this point for a few days or even a week probably. It's the thought that this is that big, bright shining beacon that saw us through the 27.5 weeks of life with him. The big red X on the calendar, the day we counted down to, the number emblazoned on our psyches. Had he been born on June 1, of course June 8 would be left in the dust, forgotten. But he wasn't. Well, he was born on March 21, so there's that day, and then there's his due date. Which one will be the one we mark in later years, the day he was delivered, or the day he was supposed to be, will remain to be seen and I can't make a decision on that right now.

How do we honour a little life that had such presence, that blessed us with hope, happiness, and dreams? Well, I suppose we do it by not being afraid to talk about him. We also do it by embracing each other, and moments of happiness, wherever, whenever and however we can.

Losing Henry has made us acutely aware of a few things. One is how very much we love and respect each other. Two, how amazing and wonderful and scary it would be to start a new life, again. Three, that I have some health issues that were unknown to us, that we're building a picture of bit by bit, like a jigsaw puzzle. Had we not lost Henry, we'd have never known about these and they could have had dire consequences for me, and for any of Henry's future siblings.

It's such a long road, and I get so tired. But then I find strength from the people in my life - friends and family, from people who reach out online and on paper and on the phone, and from my wonderful husband. And I try my hardest to give it back to him when he needs to be weak. In time I'll probably be moved to share the story of how it all happened but that's not for today. This is for today...we miss you, our little guy. We always will, not just because it is the 8th of June.

Not home alone anymore!

2008-06-05T19:02:00.002-07:00

Yippee! K. is home! He's sick, gray, cold and clammy, but he's mine all mine. Both Duane and I are wagging our tails that he's here, and we couldn't be happier.

Of course the next trip is being planned already, to Australia. Sheeeeesh!

Worked hard today to figure out a few things and it turns out the solution as to how to get html ads onto ModernGearTV.com was easy, and there all along. So I've started it, and am not sure. Is it too commercial looking? I am okay with it, slightly uneasy but I'd like to try them out.

So if you need clothing or shoes, kids stuff or home stuff, come on over, won't cha?!

Mmm, made a nice lasagne for K's homecoming, and am off for that with a nice Chianti. It's so good to all be home together.

Home alone, day 6

2008-06-03T21:39:00.003-07:00

Finally, one more sleep until K. is home. Every evening when we're on the phone, Duane has an overload of energy where he'll do laps around his space, run into his crate and bounce off the inside of it and eject himself like a horse out of the chutes, to do more laps. Between that and the aforementioned bed humping, I have a difficult time not laughing through an entire conversation with my husband, but that mirth is a welcome change for us.

I can't wait to see him again - a week is an awfully long time and especially since it's our longest separation since we lost Henry. Speaking of him, we probably would have had him by now. He was due on June 8th, a day that looms large, but I would likely have had the C-section a week beforehand.

Still, the 8th is his day and I'm preparing for whatever emotions I feel that day. It might be too soon for me to open up the box the hospital gave us and look at his ink footprints, but then again, I think we need to take June 8th from now on to honour the gift that he was. I'm just glad K. will be home to do that with me.

Home alone, day 5

2008-06-02T15:49:00.007-07:00

Two more sleeps til K. is home!

He's going to come home to a much bigger puppy...Duane has grown so much since we've gotten him and no doubt had a spurt in the week that K. will have been gone.

I was thinking about it today, and you know...there were moments just after we got the pup that I doubted I could handle a dog but didn't want to admit that I couldn't. There was one overwhelming day with him just getting into everything and barking at me, biting me, grabbing and tugging at my pant bottoms. No matter what I did, I couldn't get him to stop his freak-out. When K. came home I had a breakdown, but I never thought we made the wrong decision, and didn't ever want to give him back. I am so glad! He is a pretty darn good puppy.

I was thinking of something else too...when we first got Duane he smelled. Bad. I mean, he was an assault on our senses. We turned our noses up at "dog smell". Now, almost three weeks later, I find the smell of our puppy to be a wonderful, warm and fuzzy aroma. It reminds me of this special little guy, and I have realized that I'd rather have dog smell than lemon zest fresh, I'd rather have puppy treats accidentally washed in my pockets than have them be empty, I'd rather have bites on my hands and scratches on my legs than spend my days alone (and he's learning to stop those, too).

He's been an excellent companion for me, even through the snores and farts, and then when the grunting and snorting starts up loudly in the afternoon and gets my attention so I look over at him, and see him going to town - humping his dog bed. I catch myself just sitting and staring at him, drinking in his tiny puppiness, his big jowls, his little whiskers, his moles (he has a lot of moles!)

He gets me up and away from this computer, actually eating breakfast, lunch and dinner with him, and he helps me reflect on the better things in life, like a good squeaky toy, and realize the power of clear communication through a wag of his tail.

He absolutely adores K. and K. misses Duane so much. I can't wait to see both of them when they're reunited! My two guys...one a bit more hairy than the other. (I'll leave which one is which to your imagination!)

Home alone, day 5

2008-06-01T22:04:00.005-07:00

Okay, 5 down and two to go! K. will be home Wednesday some time so we're rounding the bases til we're together again.

Today was gorgeous here. The warm weather of late is giving me a daily gift! We have three varieties of tomato plants and though all of them are loaded down with fruit (tomatoes are considered a fruit, right? Or a veg?), almost all of them are green except for one ripe red cherry tomato a day. I love it how I can always count on that plant to ripen and let me pick and savour one sweet reward every morning.

I have discovered while I water the plants at night that Duane loves water fights. I put the hose on "jet" which gives a healthy-sized stream and shoot it around him - a few feet in front or behind. He bolts out of its way but comes back for more, once in a while blindly running into it. I have to make sure I keep the back door closed or else he skids out on the stairs and goes clumsily barreling in to the house, and starts doing laps from the back door through the kitchen, into the nook, around the chair, and back to the back door again. He gets pretty worked up! If I have closed the back door and kept him with me in the back yard, he holds his energy in reserve until we come inside and then he does the laps. I almost can't breathe from laughing so hard!

There was a nice breeze today and this is what I saw down at the water when I went out to get more puppy food. I counted 30 kiteboarders. The sky was full of kites. They get some serious speed and rip right along, looks like fun but too much for this little lass!

Look at that blue...when K. brings home the camera I'll take pictures of the "sanatorium" upstairs - the blue of the sky, white of the house and terracotta tiles of the roof look positively Greek when I am laying on one of our loungers...I'll show you soon.

It's just after 10pm and I'm still up, planning to work on a video for ModernGear TV as I haven't uploaded a new one for a long, long time. Still working on getting back in the swing of things.

Home alone, day 4

2008-05-31T20:28:00.002-07:00

I used to love spending time alone so much...not anymore. Maybe it's the responsibility of a sometimes intense pup, maybe it's being in a big house by myself, maybe it's just the quiet, but I don't like the night times alone.

Tonight I am spending time with Audrey Hepburn - Breakfast at Tiffany's is next up, then bath and bed.

Duane was pretty good today but some things still confuse me. I spoke to an animal trainer (with a Ph.D. in animal behaviour!) from the SPCA and she assured me that everything I am doing is right, and indeed he didn't have any pee accidents inside the house today...but this nipping. And frankly, sometimes it's not just nipping but real biting; I have a real nice little red bruise on my inner arm from him jumping up with his front paws on my lap as I worked this evening, and chomping on a tiny bit of skin. Youch! The loudest I have yelled in pain!

I just wonder, am I working too much? Ignoring him? I try to play with him whenever he is active and not napping but I can't spend all day doing that either.

Anyway, the trainer also said we can get him into class now - contrary to what the other advice was, which was wait til he's 4 months old. So I am hoping that we can as early as next week.

And I must be away - Holly Golightly is waiting for me.

Home alone, day 3

2008-05-30T20:13:00.004-07:00

Of all of the odd search terms I've ever entered into google, today's might have taken the cake:
"dog humping after neutering"
Mmhmm...little D. has taken to dragging his bed out of his kennel and smooshing it up beneath him, humping it all the while. I just read that "dogs employ humping as a way of asserting authority"...and"...this is not sexual behavior, but dominance behavior."

And:
"Humping behavior in dogs, whether it is towards another animal, a human, or an inanimate object (i.e. pillows, stuffed toys) is rude dog language for "I'm in charge.""

Oh great. Does this have anything to do with me leaving him outside in the back yard for an hour while I had a bath, and then after his lunch and a walk, putting him in his kennel for two hours while I lunched and strolled?

It was, by the way, glorious. I've been housebound for some time - by no-one's fault but my own, really.

I sent some mail, grabbed an Americano and browsed through some shops. Bought a fabulous dress on sale for $20, that looks like my favourite Yumi Kim one (below shown on Lake Como, Italy) but in a sort of psychedelic pattern. A bit big, it needs the elastic tightened and perhaps a bit taken in on the sides, but I think my Mom might not mind if I ask her to help with that.

Then I went for lunch at La Creperie, and it was divine. Best comment I have overheard in a long time, "If Shakespeare was alive today I'd date him..." I almost snorted out my bite.

Then a little browse through a few more shops on the way back but I was already feeling guilty about leaving the pup so I sort of hurried home. I was gone for just over two hours, not bad.

The peeing though. When I came home I took him out to the pee spot in the back and said, "go potty" a few times. He dribbled a bit and I just assumed he didn't need to fully go. We came in the house, I went over the baby gate to go pee, and returned back to a HUGE PUDDLE! WTF? Is that retribution for me leaving him? The stuff I have read said they don't do that, but he seems to be completely regressing in his housetraining. Any ideas, dog folks?

So it's Friday night without K. and I am going to watch 27 Dresses. I don't much care for Katherine Heigl but thought it was a girly one K. wouldn't want to see so I may as well. Pooch has peed outside so I feel safe leaving him on his bed but not in the kennel while I watch it, then I'll take him outside for one more pee and put him in his kennel for bed afterwards. (You know I am fighting with my feeling that says I should watch it in my office on the computer while he sleeps beside me because I feel guilty that I wasn't here much today...)

Anyhoo. Day 3 was not so bad. Tomorrow I'm going to get away for a bit during the day again. So liberating! Have a great weekend, everyone.

Home alone, day 2

2008-05-29T22:04:00.005-07:00

Okay, I got through 24 hours more without K. here. I can't seem to unglue myself from this computer, this chair. He said he's worried I'll get a humpback from spending so much time on it but really, what else am I supposed to do? I did take the pooch for a walk, eat dinner outside, wash the stove top (all 6 burners) and even checked for mail about 7 times. Oh, and moved the car across the street and back for the street sweeper. AND a whole lot of work on my computer, for clients and for ModernGear TV.

The Brad Pitt shoe story got picked up by a few fan sites, and another story on tiered maxi dresses was picked up by a celebrity baby blog and the hits have been steadily rising all day - this has been my best day so far...but still so far away from anything that will attract advertising dollars, so onwards and upwards I go.

I didn't ever want to make it celebrity style heavy but I've done a few posts with celebs in them, and these draw the crowds...so I suppose I shall continue on, but only once a week or so. I had really planned on doing Celebrity Style Friday, but if it's natural and fits in a story, I'll use it. I have a story planned on eco cutting boards so that won't feature anyone famous, but tomorrow's will as it's about wardrobe helpers. That sort of thing. In other words, please don't think I am selling out, or becoming a gossip blogger!

Today I wrote about a stationery line I love, and I think with a small part of this month's income from publicity work I am going to buy myself this poster from it:

I just love it, it really speaks to me. I will hang it in my closet, where I want to start an inspiration wall.

Am struggling with a few things on the design side of the ModernGear TV blog, like can I add html ads? I know Adsense is easy but I've signed up for some affiliate partnerships, and I can't seem to find a way to get the ads to show. I have seen other blogger blogs with them so I know it's possible.

And the other thing, the thing I might have to hire someone to do for me but I can't afford it, is to get a video into the right-hand column. If you go there to ModernGearTV.com, where there is now a picture of me, I'd rather have the VIDEO OF THE WEEK, always up. The videos are what differentiate this site from most of the other style/trends blogs out there, so I want them to be very prominent. But I can't figure out how to make that happen.

Anyone have any ideas?

Have to now rouse sleeping pooch to take him out for one more pee and put him in his kennel (and pray for another quiet night), then have a nice bath and it's to bed for me.

See honey, I'm off the computer now! Night night.

PS Tomorrow I am planning to take myself for a Friday afternoon lunch. I need it, and I need to start spending some time away from Duane during the day. I will put him in his kennel and go for a nice stroll on Second Street, our nice little shopping area, and then go for a crepe. It's hard to leave the pooch whimpering and barking but I know it's probably for the best that we don't spend every waking moment together...so now that I have written it here, I will have to do it! I'll report back tomorrow night.

Home alone, day 1

2008-05-28T20:49:00.003-07:00

K. left for a week in San Francisco this afternoon...he had to drive, so he's just pulling in there now. The house is really quiet, and I wish he was here. I haven't been alone with the prospect of a week stretching out before me, for a long time. I had to stay because we have wee Duane now, and it was too soon for such a road trip for him, and living in a hotel room for a week...also too early for doggy daycare/kennel.

This time by myself would have made me happy, or at least I'd be better with the thought of it, some time ago. I used to relish my Tam Time - a quiet house, my own schedule, no-one else to factor in if I wanted to work into the evening. But it's different now.

I find myself really sad today and teary-eyed about Henry. It comes in ebbs and flows, of course. That is totally normal, and add to that the fact that I am probably ovulating so I am more emotional than usual.

But I also came across a blog that has just broken my heart, written by a man who has a newborn baby, but who lost his wife. She died, 27 hours after the baby was born. Here's the post that tells the story, and be prepared for a good cry and a few hours of reading as you get caught up to speed on how Matt and Madeline are doing.

I wish I had known about this sooner because when Henry was born, my milk came in and I felt certain that there was a baby who could use it. I had to let it dry up on its own and this was painful both emotionally and physically.

Through our experiences, we've both been relieved that at least I came through it okay. I am so sorry that Matt's wife Liz, did not. It just broke my heart today and I've cried for them and for us.

And I miss K.

"And they called it puppy love..."

2008-05-27T12:26:00.007-07:00

Oh, our sweet Duane. He's doing really well...he's learning lots very quickly, is trying really hard, and is such fun! He's also a little stinker, literally, providing me with all sorts of scents while he sleeps beside me and farts with abandon.

He has a lot of dreams when he naps here beside me, and often has a little tiny bark or growl, or sometimes a whimper. I always feel like petting him and telling him it's okay, but I often just let him sleep it off.

Maybe he's dreaming of scratching himself. The poor little dude is very itchy, and is scratching to the point of being scabby in one armpit and now a spot on his tummy. We're taking him to the vet this afternoon for the next round of immunizations and I'll take food packages from his food and his treats, to see if there might be something he is allergic to.

He's usually like a torpedo around the house, but we seem to be gaining ground on the nipping at the legs - either clothed or bare (ouch) - with the aid of a water squirting bottle, and a sharp "off!"...though he does look a bit devil spawn here...
He also sleeps a lot - it's tiring work being a puppy and growing so much. Speaking of which, is he ever growing!! Wow.

I swear I'm not slipping vodka into his water bowl...
Other than life with D., all is well. I have been working hard to come up with new, fun things for a wide audience for ModernGear TV, and it is going well...still working on things like reciprocal links to drive to drive readers my way.

K. is off to San Francisco for a week starting tomorrow and I am not looking forward to that! I really miss him when he's gone...but I'll focus on work and chilling out with the pooch.

Happiness is...

2008-05-19T12:11:00.015-07:00

Wet paw prints in our back yard...

getting the cone off...

giving puppy snuffles...

making your own pool...

being nude in public-private (back yard)...

tending the "back 40"...

blooming where you're planted...

And...

being nutty.

100% happiness will be...when Duane is fully housetrained! He's doing well, but the whole, "You want me to pee WHERE?" look says it all...

The latest

2008-05-17T18:20:00.003-07:00

We're all doing well! Cross my fingers and anything else that can cross, knock on wood, make the sign of the cross over myself...I think we got a good puppy. He is a love.

He is a fast learner and certainly eager to learn, just peed and pooped outside with only one small accident this morning. He is happy letting me be the Alpha Dog and I think is secure in the fact that he has a leader.

I am sure he'll be very challenging from time to time, but he is just a nice addition to our family that requires work and attention, but we're so glad to give it. We wanted a dog for so long, how nice that we got such a special one. (There's actually a nice story about how he turned out to be 'the one' but I need K. here to relate it to me to type out...maybe tomorrow's post).

On one more puppy-related note. The cone...the SPCA said to leave it on for 10 days, and it's been a week already. It is driving him batty. He's not showing much interest in his incision - he actually can reach to lick it with the cone on anyway. He's more upset about not being able to scratch his ears, so we do it for him and that leg just starts tapping and scratching the air! It's funny to watch but I can only imagine how awful it feels. And I read online that some vets leave it on for as little as four days. All this to say...I think we're going to take the cone off and observe him. We've already given him two baths - we want to get him used to the water - and it would be so nice to be able to wash him all and get him nice and itch-free.

And on another note, I came up with this idea for a ModernGear TV post on Brad Pitt's shoes on the Cannes red carpet. When I saw the pictures of him and Angelina Jolie at the screening of Kung Fu Panda, I was more fixated on his shoes than anything else, so I decided to investigate the style of shoe. Once I was done with the post that showed other shoes like it, I decided to go on Brangelina forums and blogs and let people know. I have so far tripled my Friday and Saturday hits!

I don't want to become a gossip blogger of have to use a famous name to get people to go to the site, but I think that post proved something. Like it or not, celebrity sells and as long as it's used in an organic way in a post and not just for the sake of drawing readers when it's not related to the post, I am going to do it. All I want is to make this into something that earns enough income to do it full-time. I want nothing more right now, for my career. If I have to use Brad Pitt's shoes to do it, so be it!

Daily Duane

2008-05-16T10:16:00.004-07:00

Pics of the little D will be up soon - still can't. So this is more like the Daily Needing Advice on Duane!

First: a few accidents in the house, but pretty good. He is going in the back yard, which is concrete so makes for easy rinsing, but in no one spot. We want to train him to go on litter, and to start on puppy pads, in the same spot each time. So as the trainers say, when he starts to go we immediately take him to the spot we want. And he stands and looks at us, and holds it. Until we move away later, no matter how long we keep him on that spot, and then picks another random spot and goes there. It's a warm climate so I am able to leave the back door open all day, and then have gated off access to the f***ing nook and kitchen area. He seems to get that he has to go outside, and heads there by himself when he has his business to do, but uses the whole backyard as his potty. Any ideas?

Second, he is chewing on the bed that lays inside his crate, and dragging it out of the crate. I am trying to train him not to do this. He has a few toys that he likes, but he's just going to town on this bed. I am confused! I was whacking a wooden brush on the side of his crate to make a loud noise whenever he's start chewing on it. That would stop him and then I'd throw in a toy or sock so he'd chew that, and praise him for chewing on the right thing, or take him out and play fetch with a sock or toy.

But then he'd go back and I'd whack again. For a while it worked but then he ignored the noise. Now I have a headache and a dog that's chewing on his bed again! I give up and I need a break from that, he's just not learning this one. He hasn't pulled it out yet but I am sure he will. I also don't want him to associate the crate itself with the noise, but the chewing of the bed. Yikes!

He doesn't seem to be doing it in spite or anything, he sometimes goes at it and growls and is generally very funny, but I know from a dog standpoint there's deeper meaning there. Or is there?

So far, so good...

2008-05-14T19:45:00.004-07:00

Duane is sleeping in his crate underneath my desk, and we're all chilling out. We have no idea what we're doing. We have no idea what TO do! So I am reading as much as I can online to figure out the big question - can we leave him in the crate overnight?

See, we have the large office and kitchen area barricaded off - the space is best illustrated using this lovely picture of our friend Gage in his equally lovely slippers...the doorways to the dining room/living room (behind us in the picture) and hallway to the bedrooms (to the right of us in the picture) are blocked off with camping tables turned on their sides, and the office space is actually another room that leads into the kitchen - it's where this picture was taken, so you can imagine this is a large area.
This is where my desk is, this extra room we call the "f***ing nook" as it always seemed like a waste to us. We decided to put my desk in here and have it as my little office/editing suite. Works well, I love it. Duane is here now, underneath the desk (can't take a pic, can't find the transfer cable)...

So, the floor throughout is this lovely, absorbent, tile. We've not been able to catch little mister Duane in the act of peeing until it is too late, so haven't been able to have him associate peeing with the puppy training pads yet and we've discovered that the pee has left a mark in one of the spots. So we're definitely not wanting to leave him in this area all night.

We thought the crate - we'd put him in when we go to bed, and then get up if we hear a whimper. Dogs are not likely to go in their crate as it's their "den" and they don't soil where they sleep. But articles online say general stuff like get your pup used to the crate with the door open. They don't unequivocally state that you can leave your pup in their overnight. Neither does the book we got.

We sort of infer that it's okay to proceed as we have planned. Even pups don't generally have accidents in their den, and I am a light sleeper so all we can do is hope that we'll whimper or whine when he has to go...and that he won't put up too much of a fuss when we first put him in there.

We're not sure if anyone was training him at the SPCA but he does seem to know the sit command very well, though we're reinforcing it with the clicker and treats. He's curious and seems very confident, and is certainly a very loud sleeper right now!

You know, we've talked about getting a dog for as long as I can remember. I can't believe we have one...I know it's going to be hard work, but I really think he's going to be lovely. Either way, you'll find out about it here!

It's Duane, actually

2008-05-14T15:21:00.005-07:00

K. informed me that he feels the spelling of our new pup's name is actually Duane and not Dwayne. I'm okay with that.

We thought we'd bring him home Thursday or Friday but it turns out it's TODAY! I went to the SPCA this morning to square away all of the details and there was some stress as the owners of the house we're renting actually hadn't been contacted yet, and our hold was up at 11am. At 10 minutes to 11 and 4 messages on their cell phone later, I was finally granted an extension of the hold. Can you imagine? I said, "It's not exactly a blouse I am putting on hold here...." I mean, we've gotten attached to the little feller, bought all of his supplies, prepped an area in the house, were going to block off the room tonight but now have to do it in panic when he's already home...I would have been miffed if it hadn't worked out.

We finally reached them, so Duane is ours. I am so excited...we thought he would have to still be neutered and we wouldn't be able to get him until tomorrow or Friday but they ended up doing his surgery on the weekend, so he's coming home today. Here is our sweetie, inside his little cone...
And I am also scared! I have had dogs before but have never housetrained a puppy. We have a ton of information that we've been vacuuming in as quickly as we can, and a brand new clicker for click training. Stay tuned for hilarious videos to come...

(And for the Daily Duane, as soon as I can find our cable for transferring pics to the computer).

If anyone has any training tips to send in, please do...

So, I'm off to get K. from work and then we'll go get Duane...and life will never be the same!

This smile is real...

2008-05-13T16:22:00.005-07:00

I spoke to my special friend Tracy on the phone today - she called from Sweden, where she's currently finishing up her thesis as the last project in earning her Masters in Sustainability. Trace checks the blog often, and she was a bit concerned that what I write here seems to be more sad than what I let on when we talk on the phone. But I assured her, and I mean it, that any emotion I have is never, ever fake or false or attempted. Through this whole process K. and I have allowed ourselves to feel whatever we feel at any given moment, and that it is all normal.

I explained that usually I escape to the blog when I am in some despair or feeling particularly sad. But I want to start coming back here when I am happy too. Or frankly, when I am in any sort of mood. Like all of you, I feel such a range throughout the day that I exhaust myself.

Here's what I felt yesterday:
-excited about getting the pup
-scared sh**less about getting the pup
-happy that I did about 4 hours of work for a client
-happy that I wrote a ModernGear TV blog post
-happier still that I worked on the next ModernGear TV video
-nervous that I haven't posted a video for a long time
-incredibly happy for our friends who just announced their pregnancy
-sad that I am not pregnant

Anyway, you get the picture. I have sad moments every day but I also have many happy ones. And Tracy, one big one was during your call today!

I know my mom and my sisters and all of my friends from the blogosphere check the blog: Brenda, Sarah, Jasmine, Kathryn, Heather, Paige, Thimbelle, NerdGirl, Kathryn, Cheryl, Mike, Steve, Callie, Shane, Melinda, Felicia, all of you. And just in case you fear that what you read here doesn't match my voice or my mood, just remember - all of it is real. Including this smile just taken this minute.

Much love to you all. Thank you so much for your love and caring...

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-11T18:57:00.004-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to all of the moms out there who read this...you are all amazing. I now know, more than ever before, what a blessing motherhood is. How special you all are for the sacrifices you have made and the deep, bottomless well of love you have in reserve.

I am a Mom too...I just don't have my child. So yeah, it's been on my mind today.

But there's also something good coming, that I put my attention to after I had a good cry. (And please, please don't be concerned and get all "They're just trying to replace Henry..." - we've talked about this for years, and with the house we're in, and me working at home, the timing is just right.)

Meet Dwayne. He will probably come home from the SPCA on Thursday...he still needs to have a little snip snip...poor wee fellow will have a cone on for 10 days!
This isn't the way I planned to become a Mom for the first time, but I'll take it for now.

Flickering

2008-05-09T09:58:00.004-07:00

Since we lost Henry I have been a lightbulb that's in a constant state of warming up - flickering and flashing but not yet fully lit. With each new day and each new hurdle, I feel myself shining a little brighter.

Today's "accomplishment" consists of nothing but letting myself be a woman...you see, this morning, seven weeks later, I started menstruating again. I've never been so happy to have a period.

This is a big milestone in so many ways and my biggest relief is that my body's womanly bits are cleaning themselves out and I can get back to some sense of regularity. I haven't had a period since September last year, and I welcome this compass back. It signals that I am a woman in the prime of her life, that nature just goes on doing what it has to regardless of how much we will a process to speed up or slow down (the period itself, or waiting for it), and it also means that when we're ready emotionally to try again then I will be physically as well.

For the past few weeks I'd been fighting with myself over a sensation in my belly - it actually felt like the first delicate movements of a baby, fluttering about. I remember the feeling very clearly from when I first started feeling Henry moving, and here it was, repeating in my tum, a few times a day. We'd started to be intimate again and I wondered, could it be? Are we ready? Is it safe? It's too early? Is it too early?

As much as we would have welcomed a new life, we're also relieved that it wasn't so. Soon enough, just not quite yet.

Let the healing begin

2008-04-30T22:31:00.006-07:00

There's so much I want to say and share - the story of how it happened and what has happened since - but I also don't want to belabor the point and drag the story and the pain out. Still, the therapeutic value of talking/writing cannot be doubted. I don't want to become the blog about the couple who lost their baby, so maybe all in good time I'll share this and that. There's certainly a lot to talk about.

I owe so many e-mails to such good friends who have written to send hugs, love, healing messages and support...and I'll be sending those as time allows, as well. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to such good friends who have written and called, to friends who have commented here, and to all who have been waiting patiently to find out how we are.

Here's a general update because it's all I have time for this late at night, and all I have the mental energy for.

All is okay. And yeah, just okay. Okay implies, to me at least, middle of the road and that is exactly how I am using the word. The middle, safe ground in between the ups and the downs we're still going through.

The good news is that Henry came home last Friday. We decided to have him cremated because there was no way we were going to leave him here, when our time in California is done. So his ashes are here with us, and we feel relieved at that.

Picking him up was heartbreaking. It's almost like we (or maybe me, I should speak for myself here and not presume K was going through the exact thing I was, but I think he was...) were putting the grief on hold for a time.

Family and friends had come to visit and then they went back home, we were waiting for a call from the funeral home that we could get him, K had gone back to work and I started up ModernGear TV again. That was a challenge - to write in a voice that is enthusiastic and engaging when all I wanted to do was hide under the covers...but I really, really want to make that project work.

Then we got the call that we could come and get him, and, dressed in black (well, I guess that's pretty much all have worn lately), we did. A flood of relief washed over me to have him but also fresh pain and sorrow.

In the nearly six weeks since everything happened, I have had numerous tests and procedures including an MRI, had some startling results come back, and have spent a lot of time with my OB/GYN, as well as a maternal-fetal medicine specialist, and a neurologist. Yeah, that last one is sort of the odd one out, I know. I'll get to all of that in the next few blog posts. We're just trying to sort out what went wrong, what might be needing attention in me, and how to proceed in the future.

A bit part of moving on has been moving. I am trying to get healthy again and work through a painful post-pregnancy flare of the Arthritis, so Konrad and I can be seen around the neighbourhood of Belmont Shore and the paths of Long Beach on these beauties:

Healing our hearts with the wind in our faces.

Half, on my way to three-quarters

2008-04-10T16:30:00.003-07:00

I am struggling today. As I eat toast with ricotta and cherry jam, I cry big tears into it, mixing salty with the sweet.

I want to, and I do, find words to reassure everyone that it is okay, that we are alright and moving on. But then I get blindsided by a torrent of emotion and thrown right off track again. I know, I know - this is normal. Anything at all is normal.

I feel guilty for laughing when there's a moment of fun. I feel lonely to be in a house full of echos. I feel skinny, and so so so sad to think that I almost can't remember what it felt like to be big and have a baby in my tummy. And I am a wreck because he's not home yet. I am aching with every fibre of my being to have him here, to be a part, in any way he can, of our family fold.

There has been a lot of love around us of late with first my parents and then my sister, brother-in-law and niece and nephew visiting. K's Dad arrives tomorrow, so I won't be alone for long. This is the first real day by myself, and it's exceedingly difficult.

Thank goodness I have stuff to do - laundry, cleaning, organizing, and updating you good friends.

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts, words and support over the last few weeks. I can tell you it has helped immensely, and though I'd usually apologize for not responding or being in touch...oh heck. You know I've been in hell so you'll let it go this one time, yes?

His name was Henry (Hank).

With love.

Still

2008-03-30T15:17:00.012-07:00

I never had the strongest maternal instincts, though when we decided to start a family, I was all in and 100% committed. When I saw the blue plus-sign on the pee stick, I knew I was done for - you know, I try not to do things half-assed, and right then I knew being a parent would rock my world and our child, still a zygote at that point, would steal my heart.

I was blessed with the wondrous gift of carrying around a brand new human being, made by me and the love of my life, for seven months and six days. From the moment his new life started, he depended absolutely on me and this affected nearly every action I took and decision I made, including consideration of every single thing I put into my body and every single thing that came out of my body.

I loved being pregnant - this was without doubt the happiest time of my life yet. I felt good, I looked good and I was bubbling over with joy. I read about pregnancy whenever I had a question but I didn't buy and consult a library of maternity tomes and texts - taking the pregnancy seriously but not making it scary.

But sometimes the best intentions and the best actions, the kick counts, the prenatal vitamins, the healthiest meals of steamed kale, brown rice and wild salmon, the ultrasounds to peek in on his amniotic world, and the sweetest baby clothes just are not enough, and I am so sad to tell you that he didn't make it.

It has been eight days since he was delivered (on Good Friday) - nearly two months early, stillborn, and to a mother suffering from severe pre-eclampsia. I've drifted around sort of like a ghost since that time, a shadow of my former self who frankly, thinks it's a miracle someone can hurt so much and still keep breathing.

In the days that followed the time in the hospital, K. and I clung to whatever remained - which was, for us, each other. It was a quiet, and precious time - bittersweet in that though I hadn't thought it possible, our shared tragedy and heartbreak actually brought us closer together.

You know when people say nothing is sacred anymore? We're experiencing the opposite. Nothing is secret, all is sacred. He's seen me screaming in labour, we've wept til we could barely breathe, and we've held our son together in our arms when he came into a world he had already left behind.

What I do know is that while talking and crying about it is very therapeutic...real, true, found- my-life-partner-and-equal-match kind of love, and the honest, I'd-do-anything-to-help kind of love of family and friends is what gets you through the darkest moments of your life.

It's going to be a long road, my friends, and I might be here only sporadically for some time but I thought I was finally strong enough to let you all know.

Our boy is gone. My God, do I miss him.

The real story behind Ralph Lauren's new ad campaign

2008-03-17T09:13:00.021-07:00

Dear Uncle Ralph, we're sorry you couldn't make it to the club this year. I wanted to send pictures and share stories of what we've been up to.
I (Michael) have to carry my little brother (James) because he's gotten malnourished. It's the scurvy. No muscles in his legs. See, Mommy's always at the spa, and Daddy's always on his cell phone talking about "day trading" and the "stock market". Greta, our nanny, is worried to waste oranges on us or else it will come out of her pay, so we've never really had one.

For exercise (because I have the good legs) they've enrolled me in riding lessons and once in a while we get to hang out with other kids at the club but seriously, there's this one little girl who follows me around all the time - she has a a weird thing for chokers and scarves around her neck and a creepy hat. Her Mom (Mrs. Buffy Tisdale) told her I am the one kid with the most "political potential" so Mommy said I should try to put up with it in case I need an intern some day...something about how she may fill out nicely, whatever that means.

Sissy has always wanted to learn to ride Western but Mommy won't let her for fear she'll "break her hymen". Sissy is very sad about this, but what is really odd is I've been riding for three years and I haven't broken mine so I have no idea what she's on about. It's nice that Mommy lets her wear the hat and gloves, because I suppose they pose no danger to her hymen.

Mommy's a bit like a colt - lanky, with a long mane, and very frisky. She's quite chummy with Penelope, my riding instructor. She calls her "darling" a lot.

Every time before they get together, Mommy makes sure to put on her good riding boots and grab her switch. They sure must like riding together a whole lot.

And then there's Daddy. He likes his horse. A lot.
And red pants.
And his sunglasses. And his hair.

He hires different boys from the club to polish his saddle. It's always very very clean and shiny when they're done.
Sometimes they both work on it at the same time but Daddy says the sullen boy (I can't help myself and I always ask him, "why the long face?" HA!) cleans his saddle a little better than the other one - something about better wax or something. He must rub really hard for a long time because he doesn't have very big muscles. I wonder if Mommy would like that type of exercise to keep thin.

I have to go now - Mommy told me it's time to dress for dinner. She pulled out my Congressman Seersucker jacket, so I think the Tisdales are dining with us.

Bye! See you at the Hamptons in June!
Love,
Michael

Like I need to remind you...

2008-03-13T11:31:00.005-07:00

The suffering of friends, even ones we have met only online, is not easy to endure. Every single person I have connected with and feel the need to re-connect with on a daily or weekly basis is experiencing the rollercoaster of human experience - there are highs and lows and doldrums and victories - and the wonder of the net and of their openness to share is that I can be right there along with them...and that their experiences and lessons make the experience of my own that much richer.

The cheers we yell for their good times and the tears we shed for their hard times represent the sharing of their happiness and of their pain, and maybe...just maybe...we can also help share the burden by letting them know we are there for them in the ways we can be.

I check several blogs a day, and none has touched me so much lately as Tongue In Cheek...and no posts as much as today's. I have let Corey, the writer of the posts and photographer of such amazing images, know that I'll be copying her post today as I just...need to share. I need you to read her words. I hope she doesn't mind, but I don't think she will.

I don't think I need to even explain the back story - you can read Corey's blog for that - this post lets you know all you need to know.

Gently down the Stream

As we stand by my father's bedside and wait, I have realized a few things.

1. We have little control over how life will unfold. We can plan or create, directing our desires and dreams into a hopeful reality. But in the end life's current might take us down the stream and then again it might not. It brings new meaning to the children's song "...row row row your boat gently down the stream...)

2. Love is graceful, enduring, and tough.

This evening when I came to the hospital to spend time at my father's bedside my father seemed out of sorts, a bit sad, downright blue understandably so...

(You see my father has been unable to move without help, not able to get out of bed at all. His body has gone through many changes...he hasn't been able to talk, yet remains alert (a hellish crime of life to be trapped alive!). We communicate with him through a menagerie of codes, sign language, lip reading and watching the slight subtlies of his weak body.

3. My cousin's husband Chris said to me the other day..."Death is not the worse thing that can happen in life." Though my father doesn't believe this (with all his faith and belief in after-life) he strives towards living and getting well against the odds.) But suffering, like violence, seems worse than death.

When I came into my father's room to take the night shift, he asked for my Mother, which he does a million times every night and throughout the night. Typically he mouths the word "Mom?" I explained that Mom was at Marty's (my brother's.) sleeping. That she needed to rest. But tonight he asked for her with a silent voice that was not like all the other nights. He seemed to need her, want her, not just asking about her. I called my Mother and she came back! 24 hours non stop.

4. Love comes at a price and can make you bleed.

My Mother is asleep in a chair by my father's bedside. My father is sleeping easier.

As I stand here in a daze I witness their love profoundly and cry.

My comment to her:

I am weeping right now, with...I don't know that I can find the right word or words. Let me try...

With a reverence for such a relationship and depth of love. With a sense of gratitude for the blessings of love; of your parents' love, of your love with French husband, of my love with Polish husband. All other matters pale in comparison. And I am also feeling that such love endures beyond all - beyond suffering, beyond life, beyond our frail human trappings.

Oh Corey, what you are witnessing are life's most important and lasting lessons...and I thank you so much for sharing them with us all.

I hope you do not mind, but I would like to copy this post for my blog with a link to yours.

With love and gratitude,

Tamara

Pray if you do, send good vibes if that's what works for you - just send blessings for peace and love to this family at this time when they need it most. I know I am.

Noisy nights

2008-03-10T22:30:00.006-07:00

Wow, it's loud outside our home in LBC. Not, mind you, the constant noisy assault of the ruckus of trains and cranes we experienced in Vancouver...but the sounds here seem amplified because the neighbourhood is so quiet. And I should point out that I did say sounds and not noise just outside our walls, because it's actually pretty lovely, what I am listening to.

First of all, there's our friendly neighbourhood crickets. The leader of the pack and the one who likes to serenade us from our front porch, we've taken to calling Dwayne (for no reason). We've never seen him but we sure hear him, as he chirps a message and his buddies chirp back their response.

Then there's what must be a very mixed-up bird who sings at night, all night long. Proudly trumpeting his song, he seems to be full of life and glee and whatever else makes birds sing. Doesn't seem to matter to him that no-one sings back, he just carries on until sun-up. It's so loud I actually have to wear earplugs to block him out, and oh yeah, there might be that whole snoring thing of my bed-mate too...

I seem to be not alone in this curiosity about our fine feathered, singing friend as well. I just googled "bird singing night long beach" just to see what would come up. Here's an interesting exchange:

Songbird in Long Beach, CA

Started 1 year, 8 months ago (2006-06-27 22:58:00) by so_tired

Hi- This bird has been keeping me awake at night for the last few weeks with its constant singing (starts around 1 or 2 am)... The pictures are not so good, but when it flies off it has wide white stripes on its wings. I would like to know its name so I can curse it properly.

2.	RE: Songbird in Long Beach, CA Started 1 year, 8 months ago (2006-06-27 23:01:00) by lassa8 Looks like a Northern Mockingbird. Your description (singing at night, white on wings) sounds pretty accurate as well.

3.	RE: Songbird in Long Beach, CA Started 1 year, 8 months ago (2006-06-28 23:59:00) by KCFoggin Most definitely a Mockingbird. LOL, so sorry you are being kept awake but they really do have a marvelous repertoire Hi So_tired and a warm welcome to you from those of us on staff here at BirdForum

And indeed, one must admire (even, I suppose, at 3am) the bird's "marvelous repetoire". The only thing more curious about this nighttime warbling seems to be the fact that said bird doesn't get up to it every single night...more like a few nights a week. Now, what else has he got to do the other nights? Catch up on his sleep, I presume.

Over and out from our noisy home.

Have a great weekend!

2008-03-08T08:33:00.001-08:00

We're off to San Diego (I know I am not supposed to announce absences from the home lest someone break in and make off with all our stuff, but um, none of you but my family have my address, right?!) That and you are all incredibly trustworthy and lovely souls who would never do such a thing...but if you thought about it and have deduced where we live, please at least water the lavender plant in front, and the orange tree in back, mmkay?

I've never been to SD so am really excited. To find out what we're doing, go to ModernGearTV
because instead of getting ready like I should be, I am instead blogging, so the curious will have to do that bit of research yourselves!

I'm really looking forward to it...and then oh yeah, San Francisco next week for a few days next week! And then my friend Tracy and her boyfriend Andreas come for a visit next weekend! Life is good, people.

I wanted to leave you with my two absolute favourite, melt-your-heart pics from this week. CuteOverload is my source and though I have absolutely no permission whatsoever to copy these images, I hope that link and the admission that my resolute mission in life is to merely spread joy and laughter, will help in case anyone at CU headquarters doesn't like copying.

Anyhoo, here they are. Enjoy! Maybe I love them so much because I am so broody these days and a pet would be a lovely addition to our home, but I have said to Konrad that if I am ever crabby, to show me these pics and my spirits will be immediately lifted. I believe you'll see why, so I'll let you enjoy them without explanation. Have a great weekend!

Roll Up The Rim (if you can)

2008-03-06T11:47:00.003-08:00

I got a call recently from one of my favourite writers. She interviewed me years ago for a great article when I was hosting and producing an incredibly fun travel/adventure radio show called Travel Treasures for CKUA Radio (in addition to ice climbing, touring a chocolate factory, hanging out with sled dogs and other adventures, the job afforded me the once-in-a-lifetime chance of meeting the love of my life, on a frozen lake in the bitter cold of LacLa Biche, Alberta)...

I think she prefers to remain nameless to avoid a conflict of interest type situation with the outlet, but she did give her blessing to reproducing the article here...see, as sometimes happens, a writer pitches, gets the go-ahead, interviews people, writes the piece, and then it's not published. And bummer, that happened here. But, you get to read it here and also on her new blog, popcultini!

Enjoy! (sorry for the wonky font changes if it happens)

ROLL THIS!

I am a Tim Hortons whore. Love the coffee, love the atmosphere, love whatever drug they put in their brewers to keep me wanting a steady IV drip of their java in my arm. What I don't love are their cups, which are leakier than Fergie on a full bladder. During the chain's annual Roll up the Rim contest, which is basically my Christmas, the cups pose a second problem: the rims are a beyotch to unfold. Earlier this week, I got to thinking that this would prove especially problematic to people with mobility issues. The article below is the result of my digging. The rest of this blog won't be quite so long and rambly -- or articley -- but I wanted to share this one piece because, well, I like it. And it's my damn blog. xoxox

___

As far as modern maladies go, this one is as Canadian as they come: “Roll up the Rim thumb.”

The caffeinated cousin to BlackBerry thumb, an ailment recognized by the American Physical Therapy Association, RUTR thumb is an informal name for what sufferers anecdotally describe as discomfort caused by forceful or excessive rolling of Tim Hortons’ cup rims. The term is also applicable to those Canadians with pre-existing mobility conditions which could be aggravated by rim-rolling — an “important concern” that has the Arthritis Society speaking out on the pitfalls of the popular nationwide promotion.

“There are a lot of very loyal customers of (the coffee chain) who have arthritis or difficulty using their joints,” says Steven MacNair, president of the Toronto-based health charity. “So here’s an example of how living life’s full experiences is being compromised; not that rolling a rim is the fullest experience, but it is part of having fun.”

Tamara K., 36, was diagnosed with juvenile arthritis as a child and has since had six operations on her hands. The native Edmontonian, a podcaster for ModernGear TV, says rim rolling is a “confounding” challenge and is forced to enlist her husband for help or awkwardly gnaw at the cup with her teeth if she wants to participate in the contest.

“It is, in effect, limiting an entire segment of the population who can’t do these manual tasks because their fingers or hands bother them,” says K. “All those little things that people do without thinking are pretty monumental for me if I’m having a bad day, and just plain annoying if I’m having a good day.”

The Arthritis Society’s MacNair suggests pull-tabs might be a way to make the promotion more accessible to people with mobility challenges.

“There is an ability for retailers and manufacturers to work with our organization to help adapt their products and make them more arthritis-friendly, says MacNair, noting that nearly 4.5 million Canadians aged 12 and older live with arthritis.

Tanya Zimmerman, the manager of a Tim Hortons in Regina, doesn’t have joint problems but knows the discomfort of rim-rolling just the same.

“I do get the RUTR thumb,” says Zimmerman, who has worked for the chain for four years. “Management has to roll up the rims on damaged cups so (we can) notify head office of any major winners. So imagine rolling up an entire stack of cups if they fell on the floor.”

Others, however, find the coffee cups’ stiff rims are more of a pain in the neck than the thumb.

“I find the flimsy cup design, along with the rigid cardboard, make for tough going,” says Chris Vandermeer, 22. Noting the “awkwardness” of using his thumbs to play, the Edmonton business student suggests a different plan of attack.

“I have developed my own method,” says Vandermeer. “(It) involves getting my bottom front teeth… under the rim of the cup and dragging my teeth upward to reveal the prize — or usually an invitation to play again.”

Family tree

2008-02-27T15:48:00.010-08:00

The latest branch on our little Kontamination family tree seems to have sprouted a twig and some berries.

A month ago during our initial new Long Beach, CA OB/GYN consultation, we asked if we could find out the sex of the baby as they hadn't been able to tell us before we left Canada. The doctor obliged with a quick peek...TOO quick, it turns out.

It came as a big shock to us when she told us we were going to have a girl, as we were pretty sure (as in 95% sure) we were going to have a boy. People ask why and all I can say is, we just felt it. We were both very confident that this was the sex, and that the doctor would confirm it and we would be boy crazy in the land of Kontamination. We'd even taken to calling the baby by the name we wanted to call our boy, and calling the nursery "____'s room", etc.

So when she told us it was a girl, my first words were, "Are you SURE?"
Konrad was a bit quieter about it but I could see signs of discontent and disbelief on his face. It's not just that he had really wanted a boy, but he was absolutely sure he had made one.

Walking back to the car, we were stunned, utterly in shock. And then, not even that slowly, we accepted this as the truth, started to buy girly baby clothes, and referred to her by the girl's name we had picked out. We told family and friends, and we shared our hopes and dreams for our little girl.

And then a month later (yesterday), we had our next appointment. After dealing with my swollen ankles (blood pressure is fine, raise feet as much as possible throughout the day), the doctor moving away to Philadelphia, (the practice has 4 other women doctors for us to meet and choose from to deliver the baby), and other things, she wanted to do an ultrasound to see the heart.

When she had gooped me up and had the wand on my belly, we jokingly asked her if it was still a girl...after taking a few minutes to examine the image, from a few angles, with a frown of concentration on her face...she said, "I actually think you're having a boy..."

Sure enough, there was a little penis and a scrotum, visible to us all on the screen. Suddenly our "baby girl" had a wee willy, and once again what I thought was true in the world was turned upside down. It didn't help when the doctor, forgetting her earlier pronouncement of the baby's sex, said, "Oh, did you think you were having a girl?" (can't you SUE for that?!)

It was like this one time when Konrad and I were camping. We pulled the Westfalia van over on the side of the road, popped the top and had the most yummy nap. I hugged to my chest the most lovely, comfortable green pillow ever. When we woke up, I looked down at the pillow and shock of all shocks, it was BLUE!! I had slept this whole time with a blue pillow, imagining it in my mind's eye to be green. The world was topsy-turvy, my perspective shifted completely and I had a difficult time reconciling the illusion with reality. Yeah sure, it's just a pillow, but it was kind of earth-shaking. I am not doing it justice to explain it, so I'll just stop but say, trust me on this one.

Finding out you're having a girl when you were 95% sure it was a boy, and then finding out nope they were wrong, it's a boy, by the time you had been 100% sure it was a girl, well, it's just a lot of change to handle!!

In the end it comes down to this. The baby is healthy and I am too. And that's what counts. The rest, well, it's just anatomy...and we'll confirm for sure in about 13-14 weeks. And boy oh boy, will we have a story to tell him/her some day!

Why dream small?

2008-02-20T08:15:00.005-08:00

I had to share the most powerful and profound words I have read in a long time.

"Let's all try to look at ourselves with the kindest of eyes today. When we see the best in people, they unfold before us in the most magical ways."

Andrea from the Superhero Journal wrote that in a post on Valentine's Day, moved after spending the day in a photo shoot with a couple expecting a baby.

What an amazing statement, with the deepest truth. It is something that should be extended outward as well as inward...for when we see the best in ourselves and treat ourselves with gentle patience and kindness, we ourselves rise to the occasion.

Because normally, we're our own worst enemies.

This is a feeling and an awareness that has been with me for a long time, traveled with me in my move from Vancouver to California.

It's not just about body image or comparing ourselves to the Joneses, but in negative self-talk, in moments of self-doubt that creep in like tiny pests through holes in the screen of self-confidence, a voice in our heads that tells us we ought not to dream big lest we end up disappointed.

Well fuck it. Who ever got anywhere amazing by dreaming small?

A few years ago I put together a little book along with a package of my t-shirts and sent it to the Oprah show. It was for her Wildest Dreams show. I did it fairly quietly and without fanfare or sharing this with too many people. Those who I did show it to, upon turning the last page, would all turn to me with the same look in their eyes and say, "You are going to be on Oprah." A quiet statement felt fully by each and every person. And I knew it too...that if she or her producers saw it that my words and story would carry me there. And at the time that was the pinnacle, the ultimate in success.

Then I saw a behind-the-scenes show that walked down a maze of hallways, filming a trail of envelopes and FedEx boxes that looked identical to mine - all entries for the same show. They had to end somewhere when time ran out, and had to destroy thousands of them, unread. I am sure that there's a strong possibility that my effort suffered that fate but when I sent the package, I was done with the dream. The real reward was in the doing.

If the Oprah show called today, of course I'd go and I'd talk about my experiences growing up with a disease that since age 6 has made me feel like I inhabit an old woman's body. I'd talk about what it's like to be a television and radio reporter with a disability. I'd share my own unique perspective and life's lessons gleaned from 26 years of chronic pain. But I sent away all of my wishes and intentions with that entry and knew that whatever came of it, my resolution was set when it was sent.

Why am I telling you this now? Let's go back to Andrea's words.

"Let's all try to look at ourselves with the kindest of eyes today. When we see the best in people, they unfold before us in the most magical ways."

I have a whole lot of experience (don't we all?) with people who say things like,

"It's too bad..."
"If only..."
"Don't get your hopes up..."
and the like.

Well, I've had enough. As we prepare to bring our own child into the world, I am putting more effort into observing myself and those around me so that these words and thought patterns don't plant the seeds of self doubt into her.

It's a fact, to me, that we create our own reality with our intentions and our actions, our words and our thoughts. So choose a positive one. As Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, founder of the Peale Center, the Positive Thinking Foundation and Guideposts urges, become a possibilitarian. Ask, "what if?"

Stop focusing on what you don't have, and turn your attention and your perspective instead on all of the magical presents that have been bestowed upon you already. For instance, for a near lifetime of pain I've been given incredible lessons of patience, tolerance and toughness. Sure it's shitty and I have terrible days and moments of self-pity. But for pity's sake, ya gotta move on and not waste this precious resource, this gift, this life.

Our home - Vancouver loft

2008-02-16T16:21:00.046-08:00

I wanted to share our handiwork in the loft - the few weeks of frenzied construction that finally finished what we had planned since we moved in two and a half years ago...completed because we were moving and renting it out!

Now that we're gone and someone else is in there, I really miss it so. It'll always be our first little love nest to me. Want to see what we did with it?

The view...oh boy do I miss the view.

That didn't change during our two.5 years there - it captivated me and held my interest from Day 1, and every day since. When I expressed to my brother-in-law how much I was drinking in the view the last few weeks, he asked, "Yes, but did you always?", to say that he believes we usually only start to appreciate what we have when we're nearing leaving it. I was actually truthfully able to say, "Every day."

The next picture is of me on the day we left, with one of our renters. They're a sweet couple we just really liked, and thought they "got" our place. They initially saw it in construction zone conditions - I'd say "raw" would be a good term to use. But they liked what they saw, listened to our vision and got really excited. When we went above and the beyond the plans, I'd say they were ecstatic!

We decided to leave the mirror and the chandelier for them to enjoy - both too large and certainly too delicate to transport by ourselves from Vancouver to Long Beach. The place is still ours of course, ergo so are the mirror and lights. Which is good because I totally want them back one day.

Want to see what it looked like at the Open House, when we decided to buy it? Konrad was living in San Francisco so I attended and snapped a ton of pictures, then posted them online and on the phone we did a "tour" together. I'll always be proud of being able to see the potential in the place and advising our first purchase of a home.

BEFORE

The kitchen

BEFORE

The kitchen started in the living room and was along one wall (say hi to my girl - the little bag on the counter with the funny girl on it is the one that Konrad had bought me in Paris just a week or so before!)
More before...
Then the after...first of all, you recall when Konrad and Kurt built out the floor upstairs? It gave the kitchen a beginning and an end, and created a lot more intimacy.

DURING
Also remember Konrad tiling with the help of his friend Stella?
The effect and the utility was so nice that we also tiled behind the stove as well. The finished product is below!

AFTER

We hung a pot rack in the corner - loving both the space-saving aspect as well as the definite loft look of hanging pots. We ended up with three work areas. In a ~700 sq. ft. space where two food lovers and cooking enthusiasts live, this work area was wonderful. On top of the dishwasher is a butcher's block counter, as is the corner unit under the pot rack, and also one to the right, out of frame.

Right there...

You can see the blackboard to the left of the fridge...we're big blackboard people...they're just so handy for all sorts of things - recipes, menus, shopping lists, love notes...

The table was in the middle of the kitchen, if you remember from the dinner party?

When we first moved in, the bathroom was a stark white affair with no storage space to speak of.

BEFORE:
Konrad the Spaceologist and his father soon decided to sink a storage unit into the wall - half in the bathroom and with the back end half into the entrance to the condo. This is is what it looked like when he tiled all around it and finished it:

AFTER

So nice, so spa. We also decided to class up the colour.

BEFORE

AFTER

In the entrance, when we moved in there was a closet with sliding doors, and that was it...the stairs had been moved from their original place to the living room. We didn't like that.

STAIRS BEFORE

So we rebuilt them. Twice.

STAIRS AFTER

This was where the closet had been when we bought the place...see?

BEFORE

Our tenants have two cats so we decided to leave it open for them to put the litter box and kitty are into and maybe hang a curtain or something of their choosing for kitty privacy.

A good look at Konrad's handywork on the railing and stairs. And ohhh! There's that pretty wallpaper! We installed two large built-in armoires to the right of the stairs, upstairs, for extra storage and to again create intimacy in the space where there had been none.

Stairs looking down. I know you won't believe this but do you know what was here before?

BEFORE
It's difficult to explain, but when they moved the stairs to the living room, the previous owners covered up the hole where the stairs had been, in the second floor. See?
So when we moved the stairs back to their rightful place, we opened up this area again and created a long, tall vertical column of space...what I considered a real design luxury in such a small space. It showed that with the other storage options we built in, we could afford to leave this open and acting as a visual break. We covered the back of the built-ins with this incredible baroque, French bordello-looking wallpaper. The only way it could have been better was if it was velvet. YUM.

In keeping with the raw concrete industrial look, we went with raw unfinished wood all over too. Except for the dark dark hardwood flooring upstairs, which was actually the bane of our existence as it turned out.

It was simply too dark, and showed every speck of dust, every blonde hair. Oh well, live and learn.

So you know what it looks like now...what did it start out like? Check it.

UPSTAIRS BEFORE

We basically, with the addition of the floor, gave ourselves relationship-saving room to move and breathe. Another chill-out zone. And more storage space. See?

Closets galore and our laundry facilities.

This concludes the tour of our Vancouver condo...I don't think we'll necessarily call it home again, but it is sweet, and we'll keep it for as long as we can. We had some really good times there...

Next up is a tour of our Long Beach home and neighbourhood...still to come is the story of how we actually got from the Vancouver loft to the Long Beach house, in one piece.

Background

2008-02-15T10:42:00.005-08:00

This is a sort of a made-up post, because I need to post the back graphics of my business card somewhere online to be able to grab it for the background of my MGTV MySpace page. I thought I'd write something anyway so there's not just a chunk of wallpaper looking prettiness on the page.

Yup, so this is it.

This is the back of my business card!! Designed by the fabulous Mrs. Merriman of My Girl Friday Design!

Gorgeous, isn't it?

Bye now.

:-)

PS Shoot - it's not working. I wanted to generate a background of that very pretty wallpaper-like design. Shoooooot. Will keep working on it.

It's up!! ModernGear TV launches today!

2008-02-13T16:06:00.002-08:00

Whhheeeeewww....

That's a big, deep, body-relaxing sigh of relief. Can you feel that? ModernGear TV or Modern Gear TV or MGTV...is up! It lives! Here!

It's officially a "soft launch" sans red carpet (hee hee) and media announcements as I want the opportunity to get a few stories up, get friends and family and StraightPoop readers to check it out and provide feedback if they have any, and then in maybe a week and a half or a bit more I will have additional content, a Facebook page, a MySpace page and other social networking stuff, and can announce to my media friends that it's up and going strong.

So what do I want with this venture? A few things...let me tell you.

1. The ability to spend my time doing what makes me happy - as a discovery-maker, trend-watcher and story-teller. That's a lot of hyphenated titles. But it's true...I am at my happiest discovering new things and sharing them with people, and this will give me the opportunity to do that.
2. The chance to get back on air - in my own time, and my own way. I have enjoyed my years as a television and radio reporter and host so much...happy as the proverbial swine in poop. But there's so much stuff that goes along with it, that hasn't worked well for me. My Arthritis doesn't let me pound the pavement in chase of a good story, or even stand in the studio for hours and hours of time anymore. I sort of thought that if I paid my dues and had the good luck to be "discovered" that I could be successful in spite of this physical difficulty. But, there haven't been show producers beating my door down, begging me to host their program. So I decided to create my own, to join the cool kids and go online. New media is where it's at, baby.
3. I want to be able to make this into a financially sustainable gig. I'd probably do it, but not freak about it so much, if it were just a hobby. But I do believe that there is a living to be made at this, and that I am just the one to do it.

So those are my top three reasons, but there are many more. I have a ton of people I want to make proud. I want to support entrepreneurs by helping get their story out. I want to be able to work from home when I have the wee bean. All that and much, much more.

Thanks, my peeps, for your support.

StraightPoop

She's coming along, Captain!

2008-02-12T15:01:00.000-08:00

Okay! I have switched ModernGear TV from a Wordpress blog to a familiar Blogger-Blogspot blog layout so that I can just start going to town...have realized I will look all of my comments but I will just have to get new ones.

At this moment I am copying my first video and am going to try to get it down to a manageable size, then will try to upload it using blogger and honestly, it might not work. My stories are coming in at just under 5 minutes, and this might be just too big of a file for blogger. We shall see.

Regardless, GOD it feels good to take action. I slept really well last night, when I could finally get my racing heart calmed down. I wanted to start this and see if people liked it enough that I should continue it, well before the baby comes...time is a ticking and nothing had been done, so I decided that it was time to launch, even if imperfectly.

I'll figure the details out as I go along...and isn't that also the beauty of a new venture?

Thank you for your opinions and feedback!

The impatient video podcaster

2008-02-11T14:19:00.000-08:00

Hi folks,

I am going to need you over the next few days and weeks. I have been waiting OVER A YEAR to get my video podcast project up and running and I am disappointed, furious, on the verge of tears, that it's taken so long and all because of waiting for other people who promised their time and help in exchange for my time and help on projects they're working on. Nothing of note has materialized, so I have to (I think) go it alone.

I wanted to do it pro, from the beginning. Make the site look slick, like a media venture, and use the logo and the branding and all that jazz. Focus on the ideas, the shooting, editing, on-camera work, marketing, media, etc.

But I've been waiting, and waiting, and waiting some more. I want to have the podcast established when the baby comes, and to do so I have to start NOW, not be starting in June when I'm due.

So, I am going to try to learn the ropes myself and ask for help. Anyone? Help?!

I have a domain name registered, and I am going to point it to whatever blog looks the prettiest for now. I was using WordPress but f**k it if I can't get my logo up in the header, can't seem to re-size it so it fits, and am pretty much ready to throw the computer out the window. Might use blogger, but am not sure it's much better.

Anyhoo my friends, am going to be testing out a few things and wanted to warn you that I'll be soliciting comments, and if anyone has them, leads. DAMN IT I have a good idea and ability and I won't wait another f**k'n year to share it with the world.

Whew. Thank you!

So, is this video version better, or is the YouTube version? Number one is blogger's, number two is YouTube's. My fear is that if I post on YouTube and then post the YouTube video, that it won't look as professional as using my own Flash player. But a year of waiting has convinced me that it's better to have YouTube video than no video at all, non?

Thank you, in advance, for your help!